fariy tales do exists

ok so i have been reading over some of my old blogs and i have noticed that there are a few hand fulls where i talk about not ever falling in love again and not ever finding the "girl of my dreams". so i just wanted to stand here and tell you that i am truly happy right now. i have found that girl that i can fall in love with who loves me more then i have ever been loved. she is amazing and i love everything about her. i really want to just go to the top of the highest building and tell the world that i love my girlfriend Malinda. i know this is kinda cheesy but its who i am. i want everyone to know this. im honestly the happiest that i have ever been at this moment. i can sit here and look at the girl that is on my moms couch and be happy that i am with her. she is the best thing to happen to me.

just thought that i would let you know. love you Malinda :)

and yes i really am this big of a dork

an ounce of peace is all i want for you

so in my life i have come across so many different people. i have had the chance to love so many people. i have shared moments in my life that i am so happy i had the chance to do with you. i have so many memories with some of my friends. and some thathave meant more to me then just a friendship. but it is time now that i put a lot of things away in my life. it is time that i move on in my life and do what i have always wanted to do. it is time for me to go and make my mark in this world. its time for me to leave my piece of history on paper. now i don't know what im going to have to do to do this but i feel that it is time for the next step in life. i recently read a book that changed my life. i would tell anyone who is looking for who they are to read this book. and while i was reading this i noticed that i need to take control of my destiny. and i know that i need to take what i know, take who i am and become someone. go and make the love of my life a happy person. i need to tell the ones that i have loved before that i need to move on and love her with all of my heart. its funny how i look at my life now and how i have made myself who i am today. some who read this dont really know me. honestly there are few who do. but for the ones that know me know that i am really happy right now. i have this glow in my eye because i have found true happiness. i once posted that i wish to one day know what true love is again. and how i wasn't sure that i would ever feel that again. and as i look back at that person who showed me how to love again and to see that it is not the girl that i am in love with now. it makes me happy. but without that person i wouldn't know how to love again. so to you i am thankful for you and what you have done for me. then there are those who were my first true love. and to you i am sorry. what we had was special and i dont want to take what we had and not respect it but we are both better off now. i am happy for you.

i am happy now. i have found someone who i can spend the rest of my life and be very happy. how times have changed for me these past couple of years. all i can say is that im glad that i didnt chose the road that i was meant for. im glad that i chose the road that i knew would lead me to some where i had no idea would happen for me. i took the hard road less traveled and i am forever grateful. i am loved by a wonderful girl who i love with all my heart. i am happy again.

on second thought table for 2

OK so recently i have had a lot of good things happen to me in my life. i have been dealing with the inner demons in my life and taking control of how i live my life. and while i have been silently doing this i have gained much more then i have ever dreamed of. i have gained so much that i don't even know where to start. all i can say is that God has a plan for me. and he puts certain people in my life for reasons that i cant explain. they are there to take care of me when i am sick, they are there to comfort me when i am in need of comfort.

these past couple of months i have been keeping to myself and to a select number of people. mainly my girlfriend and my family. i have started to reevaluate my life and where i am headed. i couldn't do this in the home that i am living in. it is there that i feel the most judged and unwelcome. but you know its ok. for one they don't really know who i am and where i am going with my life. i cant find happiness there. and i know that it is best that i leave them. it is not where i feel at home. nothing is there that can make me happy. well maybe one thing. ok so i have never used any ones name in my blog and i don't think that i should use her name now. but there is one person who frequently visits the house and i know she knows who i am talking about. she is one of the best friends that i have ever had. she truly is someone that i have learned i can trust and that i know i can always call my friend. love you kel. :)

now my life is taking a turn that i know will lead to happiness. i have had the opportunity to find out who i really am. i have taken the time to look at myself and to figure out who i really am. and you know what i see now. i see someone who is ready to take charge of their life again. i am ready to be happy. im ready to take that next big step in my life and become that man i am destined to become. i have everything that i need in my life right now to pursue my dreams. i know that there are going to bumps along the way and i know that it is going to be hard and frustrating at times. but i have a wonderful person behind me who believes in me. i have some great friends great family who has accepted the person that i care for in like there own. life is good. i am happy for once in my life. there isn't much that i have to fear now. now is the time where i make my move towards greatness. now is the time for me to be happy.

so to my friends who are in the world. now is the time for you to be happy. now is the time to find out who you are. dont allow yourself to dig a hole that you cant get out of. dont become that person that everyone hates. be the person that makes a difference in the lives of the ones that you care for. always make it a table for 2. its lonely when you always ask for the table for 1. good eats my friends

table for one please

so i have noticed a lot of things lately. and one of those things that i have noticed is that i eat by myself a lot. i dont know if its a good thing or not. i tend to cook for others a lot and still finding myself eating alone. i dont know why im writing a post about this but its something that has been on my mind.

on another note..... table for two. yes for two. i have been really happy the past couple of months. well in my own way. i have had a couple of roadblocks these past couple of months but you know what i have had someone on my side that makes me really happy. she is pretty much an amazing girl. to stand by me when things we really stressful for me. and now to know that no matter how difficult i can be she still loves me. im glad that i have her in my life. she truly is a blessing to me right now. i hope she knows it. i have so much more i wanted to add to this post but it looks like its going to have to wait. so world until next time.

some people are just not meant for you

so sometimes in life you meet people. and some of them are those that you wish could play a major part in your life's play. and then there are those that you meet and just fall for and then they just end up being like everyone else. they are there just for their own amusement. i have come to realize this in my own life. i have a friend that i only hear from when they want something from me. and it really hurts because i once considered them one of my best friends and now i don't know what we are. i have asked this person that if they need something then I'm going to need more of a friendship from them. and not talk to them only when they need something..... i have yet to hang out with this person. therefore i can no longer help this person anymore. i wish that things could have ended up differently for us. but now i don't what will happen to us.

another thing that is going on with my life is that i have this friend. she is wonderful and pretty much everything that i have ever wanted in a girl. she is smart, funny, gorgeous and easy to talk to, she makes me very happy ever time that i see her. but there is one problem... i cant have her. well here is the thing. in a way i already have her. i mean honestly i have fallen hardcore with her. oh and im only telling you this because i trust you. i write to you ( the world) as much as i can and i feel that we have been through so much together. and that sometimes i need to tell you good things that are going well for me. or kinda going well. ok so back to the story. so she is pretty amazing. I'm reminded of past relationships when I'm with her. and i know that you read this and in no way am i trying to tell you that what we had was nothing compared to what i have now. but this.. this right here is something special. she is someone that i have found myself talking to late at night and telling her everything that i want to do with my life. and how she can play that role in my life that i want her to play. i wish i can sit here and tell you that this is a story that ends with a happy ending but i cant. well mainly because the story isn't over yet. there is still so much to be written for us. there is so much that hasn't been told. no matter how many times that i have to bear my soul to you and tell you how perfect we are together i know that there is still so much that we need to work on. there are still things that i need to tell you about me. and so much that i need you to tell me about you.

so as i sit here and write this knowing that our future is uncertain and that only time will tell what is going to happen with us. I'll try to sleep, to keep you in my dreams til I can bring you home with me I'll try to sleep And when I do I'll keep you in my... dreams. its funny how my feelings can be summed up by a simple blue october song. but its so true. I'm still here with my hands raised as if to show you that I was yours That I was so yours for the taking I'm so yours for the taking That's when I felt the wind pick up I grabbed the rail while choking up These words to say and then you kissed me i hope that one day i do get to take you home. i do get to live that life that we both deserve. in the end is just us that really matters. no one else does. just you and me.

"18th Floor Balcony"

I close my eyes and I smile
Knowing that everything is alright
To the core
So close that door
Is this happening?

My breath is on your hair
I'm unaware
That you opened the blinds and let the city in
God, you held my hand
And we stand
Just taking in everything.

And I knew it from the start
So my arms are open wide
Your head is on my stomach
And we're trying so hard not to fall asleep
Here we are
On this 18th floor balcony.
We're both flying away.

So we talked about mom's and dad's
About family pasts
Just getting to know where we came from
Our hearts were on display
For all to see
I can't believe this is happening to me

And I raised my hand as if to show you that I was yours
That I was so yours for the taking
I'm so yours for the taking
That's when I felt the wind pick up
I grabbed the rail while choking up
These words to say and then you kissed me...

I knew it from the start
So my arms are open wide
Your head is on my stomach
And we're trying so hard not to fall asleep
Here we are
On this 18th floor balcony...
We're both flying away.

And I'll try to sleep
To keep you in my dreams
'til I can bring you home with me
I'll try to sleep
And when I do I'll keep you in my... dreams

I knew it from the start
So my arms are open wide
Your head is on my stomach
And we're trying so hard not to fall asleep
So here we are
On this 18th floor balcony, yeah

I knew it from the start
My arms are open wide
Your head is on my stomach
No, we're not going to sleep

Here we are
On this 18th floor balcony... we're both..
Flying away

Are we still friends???

So things have been pretty crazy these past couple of months. I have done so much that I don’t even know where to start. I know that I have posted other blogs in the past weeks but I think this one is really what I have been thinking. So I have this friend that I really really enjoy spending time with. She has made me happy in ways that I haven’t felt in a very long time. And it’s a good thing that I have her in my life. I know that there are some of my friends that don’t believe this. But its true. I only wish that everyone could experience what I have right now. She is pretty much amazing. She is one of those people who is always judged for things that happened in the past. Its funny that we’re mormon and we teach that we shouldn’t judge others for what they have done. But here we are judging. Its kinda sad honestly to see this happen so much. I try my hardest not to judge others and I feel that I do a pretty good job at it. But to watch her go everyday being judged by others who don’t even know her really breaks my heart. But I guess there is nothing that I can really do. All I can do is do what I have been doing. That is to be there for her to make her smile everyday. I don’t know where this relationship is going to go right now. But I do know that I love where it is right now.

So another thing that I wanted to kinda talk about here seeing this is where I go to vent. You know I love talking to the world. I don’t really understand some friendships. Like the ones where you think you are best friends with someone and that they are truly one of the best friendships that you have ever had and you would absolutely do anything for and come to find out that It was nothing like that. I have recently had this happen. But the thing is that I don’t really know what I did wrong. What is so bad with wanting to see one of your best friends. Just for the simple fact of spending time with someone that makes you happy. I know that this could get me in trouble but hey its ok. I’ve done worse. Another thing is what do you say when that person tells you that you are the highest maintenance friend that they have. Well I think that is what they said. I don’t really remember seeing that I was kinda pissed when I saw that. But seriously come on. That is the dumbest thing that I have heard in a very long time. For years I have been there for you when ever you needed me. I have dropped everything just so that I can be a true friend. Wow that’s really all I can say. I guess I’m not cool enough to be part of your cool club. But its ok . Maybe I don’t need to be a “cool kid”. and I hope you know who you are. You probably don’t even read this cause your too cool to spend time reading something as stupid as this. But oh well I’m still going to say what’s on my mind. It just really hurts because I thought the world of you. I would always tell anyone who asked that you were the most amazing person that I have ever met in my life. And you know what you still are pretty much up there. I wont ever doubt how amazing you can be. But life is taking us down two different paths. It really sucks that this is how I have to share my thoughts with you. But seeing that this is my letter to the world and you live in the world I thought it would be appropriate to do it here.

There is something else that I wanted to say here. Its an open apology to anyone that I have hurt in the past couple of weeks. With all that is going on in my life I have let something’s kinda slip and I have forgotten what I have promised. I don’t know where my life is going to go from here. I just know that I have a lot to work on. Its hard when you see yourself start to fail at things that you should be strong with. But you just let things happen. You tell yourself that its ok. That no matter what you can get through this. But this time I couldn’t. I cant do this alone. I keep putting myself into a hole that I cant get out of. I feel that I am stuck . I am stuck with what I have and that its going to be hard getting out of this. My personal life is in a way falling apart trying to be happy. I see in myself someone that I haven’t seen in a long time. The guy from my past. The guy that I had to let go of it I wanted to live the life that I want to live. And I don’t know how to get rid of him. He is making me do things that I know I shouldn’t. he is a procrastinating little punk that doesn’t get anything done. And you would think that with how my life is going with some aspects of it I would be happy. But I’m not. I need something else. I need to find out what makes me happy. I know that she makes me happy, I know that what I believe in makes me happy. And I know that food makes me happy. But what is it that I’m missing. What is that missing link that I cant seem to find. I hope I find it soon. Or else I’m totally screwed.

One last thing that I think you (the world) need to know. Is that I don’t ever talk about what I write here in person. That is why I put it on here If you think that I am talking about you. Well… more then likely I am. Sucks to be you.

Am I my brothers keeper

So lately I have had a lot on my mind. Mainly on the subject of why so many of us try and take a part in someone’s life. I am not someone who is innocent of this. I have had my fair share of butting in on others lives. But lately this has been on my mind. Why do we as friends feel like it is our place to be involved in lives that are not ours, for example. If you see someone who isn’t doing what you think is right why is It that we feel it is our place to tell them what we think. We often are so quick to judge others. I know I know we do not judge. I hear it all the time from friends. You know “ I don’t judge what your doing, its ok” Bs, you just judged right there. That right there is telling that you are judging. It was the first thing that came to your mind. That is why you said it. I can only say this because I have realized that I too judge. I am also guilty of this wrong doing. What really bugs me is when you are not doing things that are bad. You are in fact trying to better yourself and you still have those people who are quick to tell you that your still doing wrong things. Without any evidence of any wrong doing. So when it comes to things like this. I think that If you are going to have an opinion it is best that you talk to your so-called friend and ask him/her. When you assume things about some one you well……. You know the rest. I have seen a lot of things along these lines the past couple of months. Maybe its just me looking into other peoples lives. I try really hard not to get involved. I have a friend who is going through pretty much hell. And I cant help but to add my two cents on the situation. I wish I could do so much more for her. But I know that there is only so much I can do as a friend.

So im sure your thinking that there are sometimes in our friends lives that we do need to get involved. And that’s ok. But at the same time you cant help someone who doesn’t want the help. So what I have learned over the years is that you have to show them that what they are doing is hurting themselves. Make them see what it is that they are doing. In the end they will thank you for being there for them. Some times I wish that I had friends that did that for me when I was younger. But now there is nothing I can do about it. You never think about what your doing till its too late. And then when its all said and done you look at what you have done in the past and you try and be grateful for all the crap that you have done. And I can only speak for myself but I am glad that I have done what I have done. It has taught me so much about life. But now I look at my life and think wonder if I’d be different person if things turned out differently for me. I don’t know. I cant tell you that. I can only tell you what is going to happen now. And what I plan for my future. I have often thought about the idea of seeing the future. And you know what I don’t think that I would ever want to see what is planned for me. There is no fun in that. To me life is about the little moments that make your heart melt. The times in life where you do something just to say that you did it. And of course life is about doing that one thing for just a taste. A taste of something magical. I know that is how life is for me. I do it all for the taste. And you know what my fiends I am hungry for more.

Regret???

So things have been really interesting for me the past week. Well to be honest the past month. Has gone really well and really bad at the same time. And now its October and I'm sitting here in a unfamiliar place thinking about where I want my life to go. And how I want to live my life. I have done things that I am not proud of. And I have done things in my life that I didn’t thing think I would ever have the chance to do. But as I sit here I cant help but to think of where my life would have been. If only certain things would have happened. I guess it puts the thought in my head that I shouldn’t live my life with regrets. But I know that I will live my life with at least 2 regrets. And its hard because if I was to pick one of them I couldn’t have the other. So its one of those things that where I want my cake and to eat it to. But what if…. Lets say the first regret was to happen. I would be happy. I would be very happy. I would have my dreams come true and I would be living the life that I would have dreamed of. And now for my second regret. Now it would have been really hard to have this. But it would have made me… well happier then the first regret would have made me. I don’t know. I have shared with this regret things that I have never shared with anyone else. This regret has also showed me a part of me that I forgot was there. And for that I am forever grateful. Now if I had it my way I would at least have one of those. But life has another purpose for us. It makes me think of the Garth Brooks song “unanswered prayers” now this isn’t the first time that I have compared my life to a song. I guess I live my life as a song. I keep my emotions on my face. A friend once told me that I shouldn’t always be stressed. That you can see it in my face. I don’t really know how to take that. But coming from here it has made me really think hard about that. Ok so back to the song. I know that it is a good thing that I had to lose the regrets. One day I will see what that reason is. But for now I will just go forward with faith and pray that this is the right thing for me at this time. I think that you can tell a lot about a person by their regrets. And I know that there are some out there that have no regrets. Oh I wish I could be one of them. But I know that for the rest of my life I will always have 2.

Now don’t get me wrong. This hasn’t taken me away from what my long term goal is. I know that I still have a long way to go to where I can get to the point where I can be who I want to be. And really live my life in a way that I would feel happy about. I look at my friends and what they have accomplished and I look at mine as well. I guess I have focused my life on something that I probably shouldn’t have. I know that sounds like I’m putting to much pressure on myself. And that’s ok. I would rather put the world on my shoulder then to have someone go through what I have I think that is why I always want to take care of others and do what I can to make them happy. I know that I have a lot to give and to offer. And that I have a voice that needs to be heard. I need to share what I have done with the world. I need to learn to live my life with no regrets. To live a life where I am truly happy. I don’t know where or how im going to do this. How does one find happiness in something that they have created. In a place where I’m not who I want to be. May be that’s it. Maybe I need to find out where I want to be. Not just in a physical way but with every aspect of my life. Maybe the key to happiness isn’t what the world can give you. Maybe its something that you have to find within yourself. Maybe that’s how you live your life

My dear friend Don Walser

So I know when ever I post on here I always tend to put something that some would say is depressing or some where along those lines. But today I want to pay tribute to someone that I hold near and dear to my heart. A fallen friend. Its been over three years since I have heard the great Don Walser sing. I know some of you who know him or of him are thinking but Jason he didn’t perform for a good while before he died. But to the few that were there that day to hear that great man sing one more time with his friend Slaid know this day very well.

So to tell you a bit about my friend Don. He was a large man. In so many different ways. When you spoke to him he would look at you like you have been a friend for years. There were many times when I would just sit and talk with him for hours and hours. He would tell me story after story. I just loved to ask him questions. It was hard sometimes because in his last couple of months it was harder for him to answer them. But I still sat there and talked with him. We would talk about so many things. Most of the time it was me asking him about what he loved about being a singer. What it was like and so forth. I enjoyed every moment that I had with my friend.. I still to this day think back to the times that I had with my friend.

I have always remembered the first time that I heard Don sing live. I was at a youth conference in Kyle Texas. And for the dance that they were having Dan was going to sing for them. I was so excited. I have always heard that if you were in Austin Texas and you wanted to see a really good country show Dons was the one to see. And here I was about to watch him for free. I sat there and I listen to that man belt out his great music. Music that the rest of mainstream America has forgotten. Songs like “ Rolling Stone from Texas”, "Big Balls in Cowtown”. it was such an honor to be there listening to this man sing these songs. It was awesome to be there.. Now the only way that I can hear my friend is on my ipod. I wish that I can go back to the time when he was singing with his friend.

One of my last memories that I have of Don is one that I will never forget. I was with some of my friends and I was going to go and sing some hymns him. Now I'm no singer. I suck so for me to go and sing for a man like that scared the freak out of me. So I brought some of my friends with me. We sat there and sung for him.We sang "O my Father". While we were singing we could hear a faint voice singing along. We were singing with the great Don Walser. I sat with him and we would read scriptures for a couple of hours a night. I loved those nights. I have heard before that you come to learn who a man is when he is dying. Well my friends Don wanted to hear the words of the gospel. I learned so much about my friend from those nights. But I learned more about how much the gospel really means to me.

Oh how time goes by when your living your life. How you sometimes forget friends that have crossed your way. But one thing is for sure I haven't forgotten who Don was. Its been three years since his passing and i can still remember that day like it was yesterday. My mom told me that Don had passed away. I just sat there and said a little prayer. At his funeral i tried really hard not to show how much i missed my friend. But as i sat there with his family i couldn't help but to let some tears run down my face. It was hard saying bye to a dear friend.

About a year ago i went to one of slaid cleaves shows in Austin. I sat there and listened to him sing the songs that we all love. And then without any noticed he started talking about our dear friend. The words that was said were ones that i will never forget. He sang a song that he wrote about don. And like so many in the crowd we sat there with tears in our eyes as one man told his story the only way that it can be said. I know that Don was in cowboy heaven smiling down on us when that song was playing. When he was done singing i looked over at a man standing next to me. I asked if he knew Don. He said no. But he loved his music. I then knew that Don wasn't just an average singer. He was more then that. He was someone that we all knew as a friend. So for all my other friends who know of this great man. Know this. His music still goes on. We still love it. I know i do. Thanks Don for everything. You my friend are truly missed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RHJQt-nqCAo ok so i couldn't figure out how to get video up. But this is the link to watch Slaid sing his tribute to Don. Enjoy

out with the old in with the new???? i think

ok so here we go again.... i think? so things are going pretty well. i just had an amazing week. things i dont think could have gone better. but thats for another post that one day i hope that i can share with the world. or at least the 2 people that actually read my blog. ( me and my mom) so i have been put into what i would consider one of the biggest pickles that i think i have ever been in. and i dont know what to do. as i go through life i know what i will say bye to some of my dearest friends. and some of them i know that i can do without. but then there are some that i cant honestly do with out at this point in my life. and its ok. well mainly i know there is a role that they can play later on in my life. i just hope that i can keep that contact in my life. and not let them ride off into the sunset without knowing what they meant to me. but then there are the ones that i need in my life. the ones that i know will play that important role. the most important one i guess. not really the one that you might think when reading this. i think that i can learn more from a mistake then from something/someone that makes me happy. i know that i still have so much to learn about life. and i know that in life you have to make mistakes. you have to make that bad decision. how are we going to learn if we are always doing the right thing. maybe its something that i got wrong. but i have had a lot of different types of people throughout my life time. and there are some that i wish i never would have known. then there are the ones that i knew i shouldnt have in my life but i still kept them there. and then there are the ones that everyone tells me that i shouldnt be friends with. the ones that i know serve a certain purpose in my life. and i only i know why they are there. and i for one am glad that they are there. its funny how you can care so much for someone no matter what they put you through. you can still look them in the eye and be grateful for what they have done for you. for being that person that made you happy when you were having a bad day. to be there for you when you just had the best day ever and they were the only person that you wanted to tell. and then they did something that you never thought you would ever be able or capable of doing. they show you how to care for someone like you have never done before. they show you a different part of your heart that you never thought was there. and it hurts when you come to the terms that it will never happen. that what could have been is something that you will never know. it makes you think of how you look at life. its made me really think if im doing the right things sometimes. if i have made the right choice in doing what i do best. they always seemed to bring out the best in you. and all you want is to feel what you had that one time. but now we are where we are with everything. life has brought us here and things are different between us. its something that i have come to realize.

so now i sit here and think about where my life is going. where i need to be now. what kind of opportunities i cant let pass. i know that what is a head of me is something great. i feel that i have a mark that i need to make in the world some how. and when i figure that out i know i will be happy. but until then i will keep doing what i do. the nice guy in me will still be there. and i will do everything in my power to make the people in my life that much happier. for it is the people that are in my life that i want to make happy. i just hope that i dont take to long making that happen for some of them.

short and sweet.

Okso this is going to be really short. well i hope. so from what i can tell in life. with the experiences that i have had. i have realized that there is probably like about 30% of girls that are actually really cool and sweet. the other 70% have no idea what they want in life. they pass up great opportunities and people for something that is not even worth it. i some times wonder if its even worth the time for me to keep friendships and relationships. i cant take it anymore. I'm so frustrated. why cant the awesome, adorable, amazing guy ever get the girl. maybe your just not worth my time anymore. I'm done with you. besides i love food more then i like you. take that!!!



P.S. the views that are expressed in this blog do not involve the great girl friends that i have. for they are freaking amazing. they know who they are. if you have to ask then this is for you. :)

He-Man Woman Hater.

Ok im getting sick of this. Im getting sick of getting screwed over by so many people. and mainly girls. YES GIRLS!!!!! so far in my life i have been given the opportunity to have so many girls that i can call some of my best friends. but as of lately there have been few that i can put in that category. well more like one that is pretty much the best friend a guy can ask for. even thought some psycho girl thinks im a creeper. ( come on you dont even know me ughh) but what ever thats another story. so here is what i have come up with the experiences that i have encountered in the past couple of months. and ladies if im wrong please correct me. because so far the girls that i am getting my examples from arent helping your cause.

ok so one of the things that i have noticed is that no matter how nice a guy can be. like he can be the nicest guy that you have ever met. he will never be what you want to date. he's like a lamp. just there when you need him. you turn the lamp on just when you need the light that it gives. so therefore that guy is a lamp. you dont want to date him. you just in a way want to use him for one purpose. to make things easier for you. so he's a lamp. another is that you wont date the guy because your to heart broken to date. that you feel that you have no one in this world to make you happy. and when the perfect guy comes in the picture and he tells you that you are the most beautiful girl in the world and that he would give up everything that he owns just to have a chance at making you happy. just one chance to prove to you that true love exist. to show you that no matter what life throws at you he will be there to protect you from all the things that are wrong.

ok so what does a guy have to do to be happy. when did doing everything right and showing different people that you are willing to be what ever it is not good enough for them. when did being that " perfect guy" not what girls want. or is it that now a days girls like guys to treat them like crap. that girls always want a bad ass. or something like that. its a bunch of crap that no matter what the "good guy" does he will always be out shined but that stupid guy who doesnt care about you. who wont do what ever it takes to make you happy. even if its to leave a state just so that he can bring a smile to your face. just to see that beautiful smile on your face just because he walked back into your life.

i dont know much about life. or much about what to do about it. i only know a couple of things. and one of the things that i do know is what is in my heart. i know that there is no one that is to good for me. i know that i want to care about someone and have them return the favor. i know that one day being the " nice guy" will get me some where. i dont know where it will get me but i know that one day i'll be able to look at someone and tell them that i love them and they will say it back to me. i also know that not all girls are like this. i know that there are the ones that deserve the world. they deserve some one to love them more then they have never dreamed they could be loved like that. and that even though they are the perfect girl, the perfect friend and the perfect pretty much everything. i know that they will find someone who is worthy of them. because my friends, this girl. this perfect girl is what we all want in a wife. not because of her looks but because of her heart. is worth more then what we as men can dream of. she really is that amazing. :)

now i must say that guys arent perfect. or even close to that. i'll be the first to say. guys are stupid. we do things that dont make any sense. we do things that we know are stupid but do them anyways. so guys dont make it easy on the ladies to hate us. dont make it to where they have the excuse to not want anything to do with us. just remember to take it slowly. but at the same time hurry up and make your move, dont be afraid to tell her that she's pretty.and most importantly be a perfect gentleman. one day all of this will pay off. i dont know when it will. i dont know if it will for me. i just know that i will keep doing what i do best and keep making everyone happy. even thought it hurts more then any pain out there. i will keep doing what i do best. because that is who i am.

this isn't right

ok so i dont know if you can see this or not. or if you even keep up with this blog. but i heard something about you tonight and it got me thinking about you. i dont know if its a good thing or not but i did. things have been hard with out you in my life. i dont know what direction i should be going. and you were always good at telling me what to do. ughh i wish i could bring things back they way they used to be. its so hard trying to live a life when you know that you are missing something huge in it. and i dont know where to turn. i got so used to going to you for all my advice and now i dont know where to turn i remember times where i didnt know what to do and there you were to make things better. you always had so much faith in me. i always felt like i could concur the world with you be my side. and now...... well i just dont know. there hasnt been anyone. that has come to close to the way that you used to take care of me. i mean there are girls that have been in my life and that have done a wonderful job of making me happy. but.... i just miss the way that you looked at me. the way that you would talk to me and tell me that you loved me. i miss it all. and i try so hard to find someone that could fill those shoes. i know that there might be one. but i have to make her fall me like you fell for me. :) i hope life finds you well and happy.

Mr. Nice Guy

I have recently been labeled the nice guy. what does that even mean?? i have always tried my hardest to treat the people with the same respect that i would want to be treated. i have always tried to go out of my way to make the people a truly care just a little happier then i am. it wasn't until recently that i have discovered that being this so called nice guy is been more then a curse then a blessing. it really has only brought me heartache and stress. there are times where i want to be that jerk guy that gets everything that he wants. to be that guy where i insult girls and make them feel bad about themselves. just so that i can have that chance. but i don't have it in me. i don't have it in me to be that way towards anyone. i just don't know what to do anymore. all i want to do is care about someone more then they will ever know. i recently had what i would consider the best moment of my life. but i cant share it with anyone. you know one of those this will change my life forever moments. i wish i could share with the world what i had experienced for it was amazing and breathtaking. i don't know what I'm going to do. i don't know where life is going to take me. but i do know this. i know that if i do keep living the life that i live now that some day it will pay off. well i hope it does. i know that one day i will find true happiness. i know that i will be able to make that one person feel like they are the only person in the world that know what true happiness is. they will know what it is like to loved unconditionally

for the so called nice guys don't give up. be who you really are. the pay off is going to be far greater then what you would ever expect. i know that soon the world will realize that kindness is something that most of the world would want in a person. well i hope so

WOW

so much has happened since my last post and i dont even know where to start. its funny when you go through life and you think that you will be able to kinda predict whats next in your . but then your smacked down and kinda put in your place. i have had this recently happen to me. its happened in so many ways. with work, my personal life and so forth. but i have learned that some times you have to take the good with the bad. take this for example. there was a point in my life where i thought i had it all figured out. i thought i knew what i wanted and what i was going to do with myself. and then bam!!! it was all taken away. and i was stuck with pretty much nothing. and now i look back and i am glad that something like that had to happen to me. but then i still have those times where i want something so bad and i know i that i cant have it. for one example. there is something that i want right now. it is something that will pretty much make me the luckiest person in the world. but i cant have it. i cant have it for so many reasons. and its kind of a humbling experience to go through this. i never know how to handle it. take this imagine being some where and you find that one thing that will complete what your doing. you find that one thing that you know will make you happy forever. the one thing that when you look at it you cant help but to melt a little inside cause its so perfect. and at the same time most people see that it has flaws. it has little bumps and scratches on it. but to you its exactly what it needs to be that perfect item. the things that it has gone through over the years is what makes it perfect. i dont know. maybe its not time for me to have this one thing. but one thing that is for certain. who ever ends up with this will be one of the luckiest people in the world. i just hope that they know what they will have and cherish is forever.

another thing that has happened is that the world has lost a great entertainer. i remember when i was a kid and i would listen to michael jackson with my aunt. and i would watch his video's and they were like a mini movie. it was so amazing to watch him preform i will always remember the time when i would listen to his music and just the way that it made me feel. forget about what he did in his personal life. forget all the accusations against him. but remember how the man made you feel when you heard his music. everyone loved it. you couldn't help but to dance and just feel good. so in the words of my favorite singer of all time. this is for you ladies i hope this helps me to get the girl of my dreams.

Hey pretty baby with the
High heels on
You give me fever
Like Ive never, ever known
Youre just a product of
Loveliness
I like the groove of
Your walk,
Your talk, your dress
I feel your fever
From miles around
Ill pick you up in my car and well paint the town
Just kiss me baby
And tell me twice
That youre the one for me

The way you make me feel
(the way you make me feel)
You really turn me on
(you really turn me on)
You knock me off of my feet
(you knock me off of
My feet)
My lonely days are gone
(my lonely days are gone)

I like the feelin youre
Givin me
Just hold me baby and im
In ecstasy
Oh Ill be workin from nine
To five
To buy you things to keep
You by my side
I never felt so in love before
Just promise baby, youll
Love me forevermore
I swear Im keepin you
Satisfied
cause youre the one for me
The way you make me feel
(the way you make me feel)
You really turn me on
(you really turn me on)
You knock me off of my feet
Now baby-hee!
(you knock me off of
My feet)
My lonely days are gone-
A-acha-acha
(my lonely days are gone)
Acha-ooh!

Go on girl!
Go on! hee! hee! aaow!
Go on girl!

I never felt so in love before
Promise baby, youll love me
Forevermore
I swear Im keepin you
Satisfied
cause youre the one for
Me . . .

The way you make me feel
(the way you make me feel)
You really turn me on
(you really turn me on)
You knock me off of my feet
Now baby-hee!
(you knock me off of
My feet)
My lonely days are gone
(my lonely days are gone)

The way you make me feel
(the way you make me feel)
You really turn me on
(you really turn me on)
You knock me off of my feet
Now baby-hee!
(you knock me off of
My feet)
My lonely days are gone
(my lonely days are gone)

Aint nobodys business,
Aint nobodys business
(the way you make me feel)
Aint nobodys business,
Aint nobodys business but
Mine and my baby
(you really turn me on)
Hee hee!
(you knock me off of
My feet)
Hee hee! ooh!
(my lonely days are gone)

Give it to me-give me
Some time
(the way you make me feel)
Come on be my girl-i wanna
Be with mine
(you really turn me on)
Aint nobodys business-
(you knock me off of
My feet)
Aint nobodys business but
Mine and my babys
Go on girl! aaow!
(my lonely days are gone)

Hee hee! aaow!
Chika-chika
Chika-chika-chika
Go on girl!-hee hee!
(the way you make me feel)
Hee hee hee!
(you really turn me on)
(you knock me off my feet)
(my lonely days are gone)

(the way you make me feel)
(you really turn me on)
(you knock me off my feet)
(my lonely days are gone)

thank you michael for showing the world what it is like to be a true entertainer. you sir will always be the king of pop.

hmmmm what am i thinking

ok so i thought of something today while i was eating at McDonald's. i said to myself. " why do i eat this crap?? i can make something that is ten times better then this" and then it hit me. i wonder if i can go the rest of the year without eating fast food. i wonder if i have enough self control to pass up Wendy's, whataburger, and sonic. i can do with out McDonald's for sure. but i wonder if i can do it. im not really doing it to lose weight. although it wouldn't hurt to lose more then i have already lost. while i was thinking this i also wondered if i can go with out drinking soda. it might be a little extreme but i think that i can do. i don't drink that much as it is. but to go completely with out it might be a little difficult but i think that i can do it. i know for sure that i cant go with out sweets. unlike some of my friends i just cant do it. but more props to them for doing it. and for those that have a problem with them trying to better themselves well i say shove it. go eat your cake and leave them alone.:) so i guess we'll see how this goes for me. so if you see me feel free to give me crap about it. it wont bother me. but don't temp me. that would suck. and i might give into temptation and then vomit all over you. that will be your punishment. so here i am. its June 17 and i am now officially giving up fast food till December 31. whoa what did i get myself into??

this is harder then i thought.

so lately things have been going great for me. i really have no reason to complain about how my life is going. well except for one thing. now i really open myself up here. i try and be honest with my feelings about what is going on with my life. i try really hard to show how i really am on here. but you know there has been i guess one strong focus of my blog and its really giving me the only way i know how to help me figure things out. ok so here it is. this is where im at with my life.

so i have asked for a lot of advice about how to date. what kind of things should a person look for. and really what i should do. i have done everything i know how to do. all of my so called game has been used. the little that i have really didn't get me anywhere. there were times where i thought i was going to get somewhere. where i thought that the patience that i had had finally paid off. but then here i am. alone. it really sucks cause i have a lot of people tell me that im a really good guy. that im this and that. and even the person that i am interested has told me the same thing. but im still left with this one question. what else do i have to do to show you that i want to give you the world. what else do i have to show you that all i want to do is make you happy for the rest of our lives. what more must i do to make this happen. i am all out of questions and answers. i have nothing left. i just have myself to give. i have gotten all the advice one can get. i have asked all the questions that i thought i should ask. i have made you laugh and smile everyday for as long as i can remember. i have tried my best to make your dreams come true. what else must i do. or is there anything i can do.

recently i have watched my brother start his family and watched the joy in his eyes as her started this. and i thought to myself how i wanted that to be me. how im ready for this. and how i almost had it. and how much it still pains me to this day that i couldn't make it happen. and how i don't know if its ever going to happen. ughh its just so frustrating. i don't know what else to do for you. i don't know if im even what you want. even though you have told me this. i just don't know anymore. all i know is what i feel for you. how i feel when you walk into a room and my heart just stops for that one second. how just the sound of your laugh just makes me melt inside. how no matter what kind of crap life throws at you you always tend to come out of it with a smile on your face. oh an i love how no matter how close we get as friends when ever we talk or i even see you i get so nervous. i don't even know why im so nervous i know i shouldn't be but its just the fact that i don't want to say or do anything wrong. i just want to be perfect for you. well im so far from it but i know you will accept me for who i am. i wish there was a way where i can see what your thinking. where i can just ask what more i have to do for you. ughh i dont even know why im even writing this. freak now everyone is going to know how big of a dork i am. well this sucks. i wish i had the courage to tell you this in person. but i don't. im afraid that if was to start talking you would walk away and just laugh and point at me. oh well this is the best thing that i could think of where i can tell my true feelings. i don't know. maybe i should just go on about life and not think twice about this. maybe its best if just focus on myself for awhile. maybe im just not what your looking for. man i wish i could be that person. oh well i guess life can only tell where this is going to go for us. i just hope it goes as planed.:)

my letter to you

so this is an open letter to someone. i don't know who this person is but its pretty much me opening myself up to you. i know that its kinda weird but like i have said in my other blogs this blog is not for you. i don't do this for your enjoyment. i do this for me. its my letter to the world. not just to you. but this entry is for someone. say what you want about me. call me gay or homo for writing what i do. but truth be told i know that i can totally kick your trash so don't even go there with me.:)

so to who ever you may be this is for you. i think a lot about my future about what kind of goals i want to set for myself. what kind of person that i want to be for you. i get a lot of advice from people who are married and i ask them what i need to be doing to find that person that will be with me for time and eternity. and they always tell me the same thing. its funny when i talk to the ones that are my age they tell me something different. nothing against them but really you've been married for only a couple of years. what do you know. but sometimes they do know a little bit if something. they know how to love. they see that person with eyes no one else can know. eyes that only they have. the love eyes if you want to call it that. i don't know what do i know. the things that i do know is how to be the best me that i can be. the best guy i can only be for you. its funny when people get married they sometimes talk about how when they marry that person you in a way marry the friends the family the job and so forth. well for me its all pretty sweet. i have an amazing family. ones that i love and will never ever ever ever give up for anything. and my friends... well they can get some getting use to. but one thing about them is that when i need them the most they are the first ones that are by my side. but enough about them this is suppose to be for you. so something that i love to do is show that person who ever you may be that ill pretty much do any thing for you. i'll humble myself and show you who i really am. i will love you like there is no tomorrow. something that i have noticed with my friends is that as they go on with the relationships that they are in the tend to see the other person with different eyes every time that they see them the love that they have for that person just grows more and more. i cant wait to have that with you. Ive had it once and know what it feels like but i can only imagine what it will be like with you. i think about how it great its going to be this time and how i cant wait.

so there are still somethings that i know that i need to work on. and i will be doing that until the time comes for us to become what we are destined for. i will work at being strong in every way that i should be. i just hope that you are doing the same for me. so until then i hope read the rest of the post that i will be posting for you. this is only the first of i don't know how many. thats why its not really finished . keep reading this is for you.

i cant believe its here again

well another year has just gone by for me. its crazy when ever my birthday comes around. i never really know how to take it. and this is another one of those days. as i sit and type this post my mind kinda goes back in time and i think of how it was when i was a kid. how i couldn't wait for my birthday to come cause it meant things like a birthday party and presents and you know things like that. i now i kinda see it as another day that reminds me that I'm getting older. and that's not cool. to me that older i get the more i feel like I'm not doing what i know i should be doing. and that feeling sucks. and i know that i cant be what i want till i find what I'm looking for in so many ways. and i know i know i should just go and chase my dreams with all i have. i know that. I'm not dumb but there is more then what people know about me that is holding me back. things that i don't discuss with anyone. and no you don't know what it is. whoever is reading this. you don't know me as well as you think you do. not even my dearest friends know this. i guess its why they are my dreams and no one elses. no one else can understand what it is i want in life. freak I'm still trying to figure things out. its taken me 25 years to get to this point. but i feel like I'm doing ok with myself. I'm still missing that one aspect of my life that will i guess in a way complete what I'm looking for. but you know i cant really rush into things. there is so much that i need to learn about myself before i can go there. there are times when i think i have met someone that has the potential to be that for me. but when i take a step back and look at it i see what it truly is. and its not what i want. i learn that we have two separate dreams. or the same dream but just two different endings. and that part is the part that hurts the most. i guess this year I'm going to have to take it one day at a time. i don't really expect to find what I'm looking for this year. i do hope that i do find someone that could be that one person. i never know. there are so many things that i do wish to accomplish at this age. and i know that i can do it. the passion is there, the heart, the motivation. i kinda want to know whats going to happen but i know that i cant. its no fun to know whats going to happen to you in life. i also want to keep this blog up. i do it so that my friends can have a good understanding of who i am. its the one place where my mind is always going to be. the one place where i will tell it how i see it. i will speak my mind to whoever wants to read this. it is my blog. you chose to read it. i didn't force you. well here i go to live through another birthday. there are a couple of things that i do want. and i do hope that i get to do/see them. but i know that it wont be possible. and that's ok. i just hope that you do know i wish you were here. and no you don't know who I'm talking about so don't try and figure it out. sorry :)

funny how long someone is willing to wait.

have you ever thought about how long we wait for things. like just the simple things. like how long we sit at a light and wait for it to turn green. or for a doctor to see you in the er. i just always find myself waiting for something. i don't even know why i always allow myself to be in these types of situations. but lately i have been just waiting. and when i think that time is going to finally go my way i tend to always add another couple hours to what I'm doing. it kinda sucks but at the same time i know that the time that is added on will be for the better outcome. i never knew how long i would be able to just wait. just sit there and wait and wait and wait. and sometimes i feel like i should just get up and leave cause its just not worth it to me. but then i always get that reassurance that this is some thing that will keep me humble and that it will make me a better person.but it really does get frustrating sometimes just sitting there. I'm sure you can tell that my patience is running really low. last night while i was sitting in that stupid wheelchair all of this just hit me. that Ive found myself just waiting. i don't even know what Ive been waiting for the past couple of months. i know that in some aspects of my life i know what I'm waiting for. but others i have no idea what the heck I'm doing. and those are the times where i when i just want to run and hid and forget about the world.

something else that has been on my mind is how quick people are to judge someone. i have recently seen this in my life. when some one who has made some bad choices in the past and have been forgiven for what they have done is still being judged by a second party. a party that has no ties to what happened. it just really sucks when you try really hard to be a better person and just like that you are judged again for something that you did years ago. i mean come on its not like your perfect or anything i mean if you are then by all means judge the crap out of me. but i know you not. so find it in your heart to find forgiveness. find it in your heart that even though things have happened in the past they are in the past where they belong. i am a new person. i love life and the people that i keep in it. especially the ones that i hold near and dear to my heart. those are the ones that i care about the most and do not want t0 hurt in any way:)

chasing a dream

every time that i hear someone talk about a dream that they have i always get a warm feeling inside of me. i am a huge believer in some one that wants to chase a dream. no matter how big or small it may be. and i can always tell when that person wants it the most. there is a look that they have. you know the look of I'm going to do this and you cant stop me. i love people like that. i love to watch a thought become a dream and then made into a reality. that is some thing that is so special.

i remember when i had that look on my face when i knew the life that i wanted to live. not the one that is my career of choice. but the one that was to be how i would live my life. the dream that i had to become the man that i wanted to be. you know the one where i decide that I'm going to do what ever it took to become that person that will make me a better person. i have done a lot in my past that i am not proud of. but the one thing that i love is that am not the same person. i have grown so much the past couple of years and i have become a better person. i love life and what it has to offer me. i have done things and have gone through so much to become who i am. and you know what i wouldn't trade it for the world.

and then there are those who are chasing a dream as we speak. they are the ones that have that look on their face that means that you are not going to stop them. they will succeed. not because you are against them but because they know that they are worth it. they will try hard to become that person they want to be. i just cant wait till they get to the point where they can see themselves not as a dreamer but as some one who had a dream and chased it. they found what it is that makes them happy. then they will be doing what they love and loving what they do. dream big my friends

what to do next.

so tonight was a very interesting night for me. i think with every night i learn more and more about myself. i learn that with friendships i tend to take them in so many different ways. like i keep my close friends really close to me. kinda near and dear to my heart. i enjoy them so much and i find it kinda hard when they have to leave the city. and th

en i have the ones where all i want is for them to find that happiness that they have been missing. its like when you meet someone for the first time and you see so much potential in what they are able to do. you see them for who they are and what they have accomplished on this earth with the time that they have been given. and the more and more that you get to know them the more you stand at awe that they are sitting there with you. all you can do is smile and thank the lord for the friendship that he has brought you. but the ones that my heart does go out to are the ones that find themselves in situations where they are not treated the way that they should be. and you kinda have to sit there and keep quite. even though you know that you can do better.and it breaks your heart knowing that they are hurting. all you want to do is hold them and tell them that it is going to be ok. ughh it sucks when you go out with a girl for the first time and you see all those great qualities about her. and you hear her laugh and see that smile that can light up a room. it makes you think that maybe there is someone out there for everyone. and i hope that one day i find this girl where ever she might be. you kinda have that high for awhile and you keep looking at her wishing that she can't see that fear that is in you. the fear that makes you feel nervous, weak in the knees, you start to say things that you really shouldn't but you know you want to just so that she would smile.its hard to have these types of feelings and not to be able to do anything about it. i have people ask what to do in these types of situations and all i can say is that there is nothing that you can really do. you pretty much have to wait for the girl to make up her mind. just make sure that you give her any type of ultimatums. i hear that some girls don't like that.:) but at the same time just make sure that no matter what. the one thing that you truly want for her at the end of the day is that she knows that you have her support in what ever she does. and that as her friend you will always be there for her. no matter what. i just hope that she reads this for the sake of you and hers. just find what makes you happy in life. that is what i think we do as a world, you should never deny your heard to happiness.espeically when you are making anothers heart happier then yours. the feeling is great when you make someones day

some times its not meant to be for some people.

So I've taken a long time and have done a lot of thinking these past couple of months about my life. and about what i want to do with my life and certain aspects of my life that i need to work on. its been really hard lately. i have a friend that i have so much in common with and I'm trying really hard to keep my feelings to myself. and not really give my heart out to this person. its been really hard watching this person from a far and thinking how much you know them. and how much you know what they want. its hard cause you know that you can make them so much happier but at the same time the timing just isn't right. and its really hard going through out the day and having that person always in my mind and you try and try to get them out. but it just doesn't work. dang it!!!! but at the same time its wonderful to have that person there in my head. :)

i always try to be that person that i need to be for that other person. i once heard that instead of making a list of what you want. you should be that person for the one who's looking for you. and i try really hard to do that. but sometimes its just not enough. sometimes you work so hard to be something/someone that you kinda lose focus on what your end goal will be. so i have tried to be that someone for that someone and i think to myself why cant i have what i want. am i just not trying hard enough or am i just not right for this person. as i go day in and day out i think why is life so hard some times. why are people put in my life that i have so much in common with and then just like that i realize that its just not going to work. she's taken. ughh life is so hard. its filled with ups and downs and it twist you in so many directions that your left with your head spinning in a thousand different ways.

i wish i could just tell this person how i really feel. it would make my life so much easier. just so that this person has a understanding on how i feel. how I'm very motivated. i work hard for what i have. i like to be the man in the relationship and i don't want her to wear the pants in it.(not cool) and how i would rather spend the night making dinner for her. rather then hanging out with my other friends. and how i think that I'm pretty nice and sweet and will do everything in my power to make her happy and feel like she is given the world every day. and that i will always make her smile and laugh. even after we fight and have a huge argument. i will tell her that i love her. those are always the great times in a relationship cause you get to make up afterwords. and how i need someone to be a mother to my children and a wonderful wife to me. this is what i would be to this person. who ever she may be. i don't know if i know this person now. but i do hope that one day i will be able to give this person my heart and everything that i have to give to one person. one day i will find what i am looking for. but i do hope that she finds me sooner then i find her. girls are so much smarter and they'll tell you if you should date them. but until then i will keep being me. and will do what i can as a friend. and tell you that im happy for you. and i will still make you smile miss lady. i always will.:)

Ok so recently i have had a couple of sappy blog post. i know i know. i don't know what i was thinking. i just had a lot of things on my mind and i needed to get it off my chest. so now i just wanted to write something that i guess is uplifting. so this past weekend i had the opportunity to get some personal inspiration and some spiritual guidance. and i must say it was awesome. i try and try to do my best everyday and be the best at what i do. i know that i have so much to learn and that day by day i am learning so much about what i am capable of doing. and now i look at what i have accomplished and i know that i can do so much more. not just in my personal life but in my day to day activities. there is so much that i need to learn about life and that i am still learning. i try and keep goals that i would like to accomplish. but then i get slapped down and put in my place. that is when i realize that my goals are just suggestions to what i want to do. that ultimately it is not up to me. it wasn't until i figured that out that i realized that i have the opportunity to be what ever want and reach the goals that i think i can accomplish. and will accomplish. i just need to apply myself in ways that i have never done. and then that is when i think that i can reach my true potential. so until the day that i find out what my true potential is i will try my hardest to be what it is i need to be. and i will help others reach the goals that they have set for themselves.

a new world

so lately i have had a new look on life. i have been through so much and have done so much that it is really hard to stay focus on what i want to achieve in life. i have seen things that i cannot explain nor do i want to. but over and over again i tend to notice that when you have true friends that want to see you happy they always come through for you when you need it the most. its funny when you put people through so many adversities and you watch them come out of it a new person. i have seen this with my own life. with me, family and friends. to watch someone at their lowest point and then they realize that what they went through was for the best. i think that is what life is about sometimes. to see how many times we get back up. even when we are knocked down for the hundredth time. get back up. put your fist up and go another 5 rounds.

so now as i think about what i want to do with my life i think back to all the hardships that i had to go through to get to the point that I'm at right now. and how sweet its going to be when i find what it is I'm looking for. first i think that i need to decide what it is I'm looking for. that has to be one of the hardest parts of my life right now. i try and try to figure out what i want in my life. i think that i will soon find that out. but till then i think i will just enjoy what i have. what i have now is still pretty sweet. but i know that it can get better. and when it does i know i will find what true happiness is. i cant wait. so to the world i say to you get knocked out. fall fall fall. and when you feel like you will never get back up. get up and get ready cause you have 5 more rounds in you. good luck!!

inner thoughts

Ive had my mind on a lot lately. its kinda crazy. and i don't really know what to do about it all. so of course i go to the place where i know i can go to vent and maybe find a piece of what I'm looking for in life. the long lost piece that will complete this part of my life. i guess i have had the thought of what to do next. what will be the next big step that i know i should take now that I'm getting up there in age. but its also the hardest step to take. i tried once and that didn't really come out the way that i wanted. so here i am thinking about what to do next and if i should talk to this person about what I'm feeling and the thought process that I'm going through. even though i hope she knows what I'm thinking. well i hope she does. i think Ive been clear with her about what I'm thinking, you know the flirting and of course the hey i think that your pretty sweet. haha oh man. i know that this is going to get me in trouble but oh well, life is hard sometimes. and we have to do things in life that we don't really want to do. life is tough just suck it up. i just need to take it kinda slowly. hurry up and make me move tell her that she's pretty and be a perfect gentleman. and then fall around in a fairy tale. cause you never know what someone is going to mean to you in the long run. and life can be so sweet when you do what you feel is right.

haha thanks for listening to me tell myself to do something about it. well if you have any advice I'm all ears. if not well..... i guess save me a seat. cause its a table for two tonight. haha

A chef's perspective

So in life sometimes you feel like your born to do things. kinda like heating and air condition. and sometimes in life you think you are born to do certain things. there is a big difference in those two thoughts. one is right. and the other one well. just go back to school and think about this again. 

i have recently talked with different people about what they want to do when they "grow up" and i have realized that most people have no idea what they are doing in life. some tell me that they do what they do cause it pays well. or they have the answer "well my dad does it so why not" haha yeah and if your dad jumped off a bridge would you do that to. geeze!! those are the people that find themselves always searching for that next project. in a way the next big score. 

then you run into the ones that well.... know what they are meant to do in life. they are the ones that you can ask questions to and they can answer honestly. the ones that have the passion to do what ever they know they can do. what ever that may be. those are the ones that i want next to me. those are the ones that know what they want in life. they are the ones that love what they do and do what they love. even if some people talk down to them and make them feel like they are stupid :) its funny when you meet some people and have no idea what kind of impact they have on you. even when they have no idea that they are doing this to you. i take my hat off to them and say well done my friend. I'm very impressed. they are the ones that will make an impact on the art that they do. even if it is as simple as a plate of food. cause that is what we do. we make things that will bring a smile to your face. we do this for the reaction of "wow that looks so good". that is what we do. that is who we are. we live for those moments. and for some they may never understand that you cant learn how to make those moments at some school that you pay way to much for. it is  something that well.... is god given. your either born with it or without it. i my friend am born with it. are you????