my letter to you

so this is an open letter to someone. i don't know who this person is but its pretty much me opening myself up to you. i know that its kinda weird but like i have said in my other blogs this blog is not for you. i don't do this for your enjoyment. i do this for me. its my letter to the world. not just to you. but this entry is for someone. say what you want about me. call me gay or homo for writing what i do. but truth be told i know that i can totally kick your trash so don't even go there with me.:)

so to who ever you may be this is for you. i think a lot about my future about what kind of goals i want to set for myself. what kind of person that i want to be for you. i get a lot of advice from people who are married and i ask them what i need to be doing to find that person that will be with me for time and eternity. and they always tell me the same thing. its funny when i talk to the ones that are my age they tell me something different. nothing against them but really you've been married for only a couple of years. what do you know. but sometimes they do know a little bit if something. they know how to love. they see that person with eyes no one else can know. eyes that only they have. the love eyes if you want to call it that. i don't know what do i know. the things that i do know is how to be the best me that i can be. the best guy i can only be for you. its funny when people get married they sometimes talk about how when they marry that person you in a way marry the friends the family the job and so forth. well for me its all pretty sweet. i have an amazing family. ones that i love and will never ever ever ever give up for anything. and my friends... well they can get some getting use to. but one thing about them is that when i need them the most they are the first ones that are by my side. but enough about them this is suppose to be for you. so something that i love to do is show that person who ever you may be that ill pretty much do any thing for you. i'll humble myself and show you who i really am. i will love you like there is no tomorrow. something that i have noticed with my friends is that as they go on with the relationships that they are in the tend to see the other person with different eyes every time that they see them the love that they have for that person just grows more and more. i cant wait to have that with you. Ive had it once and know what it feels like but i can only imagine what it will be like with you. i think about how it great its going to be this time and how i cant wait.

so there are still somethings that i know that i need to work on. and i will be doing that until the time comes for us to become what we are destined for. i will work at being strong in every way that i should be. i just hope that you are doing the same for me. so until then i hope read the rest of the post that i will be posting for you. this is only the first of i don't know how many. thats why its not really finished . keep reading this is for you.

i cant believe its here again

well another year has just gone by for me. its crazy when ever my birthday comes around. i never really know how to take it. and this is another one of those days. as i sit and type this post my mind kinda goes back in time and i think of how it was when i was a kid. how i couldn't wait for my birthday to come cause it meant things like a birthday party and presents and you know things like that. i now i kinda see it as another day that reminds me that I'm getting older. and that's not cool. to me that older i get the more i feel like I'm not doing what i know i should be doing. and that feeling sucks. and i know that i cant be what i want till i find what I'm looking for in so many ways. and i know i know i should just go and chase my dreams with all i have. i know that. I'm not dumb but there is more then what people know about me that is holding me back. things that i don't discuss with anyone. and no you don't know what it is. whoever is reading this. you don't know me as well as you think you do. not even my dearest friends know this. i guess its why they are my dreams and no one elses. no one else can understand what it is i want in life. freak I'm still trying to figure things out. its taken me 25 years to get to this point. but i feel like I'm doing ok with myself. I'm still missing that one aspect of my life that will i guess in a way complete what I'm looking for. but you know i cant really rush into things. there is so much that i need to learn about myself before i can go there. there are times when i think i have met someone that has the potential to be that for me. but when i take a step back and look at it i see what it truly is. and its not what i want. i learn that we have two separate dreams. or the same dream but just two different endings. and that part is the part that hurts the most. i guess this year I'm going to have to take it one day at a time. i don't really expect to find what I'm looking for this year. i do hope that i do find someone that could be that one person. i never know. there are so many things that i do wish to accomplish at this age. and i know that i can do it. the passion is there, the heart, the motivation. i kinda want to know whats going to happen but i know that i cant. its no fun to know whats going to happen to you in life. i also want to keep this blog up. i do it so that my friends can have a good understanding of who i am. its the one place where my mind is always going to be. the one place where i will tell it how i see it. i will speak my mind to whoever wants to read this. it is my blog. you chose to read it. i didn't force you. well here i go to live through another birthday. there are a couple of things that i do want. and i do hope that i get to do/see them. but i know that it wont be possible. and that's ok. i just hope that you do know i wish you were here. and no you don't know who I'm talking about so don't try and figure it out. sorry :)

funny how long someone is willing to wait.

have you ever thought about how long we wait for things. like just the simple things. like how long we sit at a light and wait for it to turn green. or for a doctor to see you in the er. i just always find myself waiting for something. i don't even know why i always allow myself to be in these types of situations. but lately i have been just waiting. and when i think that time is going to finally go my way i tend to always add another couple hours to what I'm doing. it kinda sucks but at the same time i know that the time that is added on will be for the better outcome. i never knew how long i would be able to just wait. just sit there and wait and wait and wait. and sometimes i feel like i should just get up and leave cause its just not worth it to me. but then i always get that reassurance that this is some thing that will keep me humble and that it will make me a better person.but it really does get frustrating sometimes just sitting there. I'm sure you can tell that my patience is running really low. last night while i was sitting in that stupid wheelchair all of this just hit me. that Ive found myself just waiting. i don't even know what Ive been waiting for the past couple of months. i know that in some aspects of my life i know what I'm waiting for. but others i have no idea what the heck I'm doing. and those are the times where i when i just want to run and hid and forget about the world.

something else that has been on my mind is how quick people are to judge someone. i have recently seen this in my life. when some one who has made some bad choices in the past and have been forgiven for what they have done is still being judged by a second party. a party that has no ties to what happened. it just really sucks when you try really hard to be a better person and just like that you are judged again for something that you did years ago. i mean come on its not like your perfect or anything i mean if you are then by all means judge the crap out of me. but i know you not. so find it in your heart to find forgiveness. find it in your heart that even though things have happened in the past they are in the past where they belong. i am a new person. i love life and the people that i keep in it. especially the ones that i hold near and dear to my heart. those are the ones that i care about the most and do not want t0 hurt in any way:)

chasing a dream

every time that i hear someone talk about a dream that they have i always get a warm feeling inside of me. i am a huge believer in some one that wants to chase a dream. no matter how big or small it may be. and i can always tell when that person wants it the most. there is a look that they have. you know the look of I'm going to do this and you cant stop me. i love people like that. i love to watch a thought become a dream and then made into a reality. that is some thing that is so special.

i remember when i had that look on my face when i knew the life that i wanted to live. not the one that is my career of choice. but the one that was to be how i would live my life. the dream that i had to become the man that i wanted to be. you know the one where i decide that I'm going to do what ever it took to become that person that will make me a better person. i have done a lot in my past that i am not proud of. but the one thing that i love is that am not the same person. i have grown so much the past couple of years and i have become a better person. i love life and what it has to offer me. i have done things and have gone through so much to become who i am. and you know what i wouldn't trade it for the world.

and then there are those who are chasing a dream as we speak. they are the ones that have that look on their face that means that you are not going to stop them. they will succeed. not because you are against them but because they know that they are worth it. they will try hard to become that person they want to be. i just cant wait till they get to the point where they can see themselves not as a dreamer but as some one who had a dream and chased it. they found what it is that makes them happy. then they will be doing what they love and loving what they do. dream big my friends