the dance

so i thought that i would go get away from the drama that is my life. and just talk the world. so the past couple months we (the world) have gone through a lot together. we have seen a lot of tragedies and we have had a lot of heartache. we have lost so many of our dear friends and family. and i know that things could get worse they could end up being horrible for most of us. there has been talk of is this the last days for us. are we at the point where we have used up all of the resources that this great planet has to offer us. i don't know about you. but i think that we take what we have for granted sometimes. i mean honestly we don't have it that bad. as i watch the news and i have seen what this great country has been going through i cant help but to be great full to live in a country like this. i know that we all have our differences when it comes to politics other things. but honestly look around you. look at what we have. i am so great full to live where i live to be where i am. to love the one i love. i have so much to be great full for. and i know if your reading this you have to feel the same. you know we all go through so much. we all have hard times. but we are blessed we have love, happiness (or the opportunity to become happy). i just wish that the rest of the world has what we (Americans) have.

as i sat here and had my itunes going The Dance by Garth Brooks came on. and i dont know if you have ever seen the video for this song but at the end of the video he talks about how he wouldn't miss this "dance" for the world. and you know what i wouldnt either. i think that i would do this all over again. the pain the heartache. im tell you my friends i wouldnt miss this for the world

to whom it may concern

to tell you how i work. i am one of those people who make up my mind very quickly. i don't like to sit on life's questions for to long. i like to make my mind up in the moment. that way i go with what i feel. and with that said it has really hurt me in life. but then there are times when I'm glad that i did it. i am glad i went with my instinct and not what i thought about later in the day. i am telling you this because a week ago i went and tried to discover who i am. and i know i know. some of you might say that it takes more then a week to figure that out. but who are you to say that. who am i to think that. honestly i had no idea what i was thinking while i was on this journey. i thought to myself that something was missing. something was not there in my life. i thought that i needed something else to be happy. in a way i had this huge hole in my heart that needed to be filled. i have filled every other part of my heart with what my heart needed. but for some reason i thought that i needed more.

for most of my life i have been told how to live my life by who i thought were just people trying to run my life. i thought that i was being held back. when i was a teenager i was very envious of the people that went and partied all the time. i looked forward to the third Saturday of every month cause that i when we had our stake dance. i thought how lame is that that is what i looked forward to. why couldn't i go and do what everyone else did. why couldn't i be like them. i mean i thought that i was pretty cool. some who knew might think that i was a huge dork but you know i tried to be that person that i was supposed to be. i didn't know anything else. i just knew that it was bad not to do certain things. so years have pasted since i was in high school. and i sit here and i thought the same things. i looked at my friends and i saw how they were living there lives and thought why couldn't that be me. and it wasn't the worldly things that i was watching it was the other things. i wanted more. i wanted to stand out and be something or someone that made a difference.

i knew my life wasn't what it was supposed to be. it wasn't what i wanted for myself right now. i thought that maybe if i tried other things i would be able to find what it was i was looking for. and you know what, i found something that i haven't seen in a long time. i have been searching for this for long. i have been looking for this thing for most of my life. and you know what i found it. it only took me a week to find it. i found who i was and what i wanted for my life. and for my family. i went to seek advice from various people of different faiths. and what sucks is that the answers that i was looking for came from the person that i go and seek all of my advice from. now you see i haven't had an actual conversation with my father since maybe i was a teenager. there's the occasional hi and how are you. we did that for years. but now i have no idea where he is. so from the time i was maybe 15 i have talked to this man and have gone to seek advice from him. and you know what i should have gone there first.

on Tuesday i stepped into his office. and we had that usual how are you, how is life, whats new, you know the same questions that you ask "adults" (I'm still a kid in my eyes). and then we started to talk. and the feeling that i felt at that time was unlike anything i have felt in years. at that time in that moment i felt like i was talking to i guess a father figure. i was talking with someone who i knew loved me for me. not for what i have become. and then i got the advice that i have been looking for. there i found who i am. and what I'm going to become. i sat there and felt like there was hope for someone like me. and that there was nothing stopping me. so with that said i know who i am. i know what im supposed to do. he showed me that everything that i ever wanted was right in front of me. that i can't do this alone. that i had what i needed in life. he showed me how to be happy. and now that doesn't happen to often. he later talked with Malinda and I and talked to a bit about our future. i was comforted by his words. by his advice and by his love.

now if you have been reading this blog for the past week then you know that i have been searching for a new religion. i have read your comments and have taking them to heart. something that i was told by an old leader of mine was maybe i should look at what i have been a part of. i was told to be the bigger person. and that i should take a time out for a bit. and with all of the advice that i was given i have come to a conclusion.

first off i know who i am. i know where i come from and where i am going. i do know with all of my heart that the church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints is the only true church on earth today. and there is nothing any one can do or say to change that. i will for the rest of my life believe that. i will forever know that a boy by the name of Joseph Smith did see god and his son and restored the greatest book on earth. i know that the book of Mormon is sent from god and was given to us by revelation through Joesph Smith. i know we are blessed to have a prophet on this earth today. and that those men in Utah tell us what to do because they know us. they know what we are going through. i tell you my friends (the world) that all of this is true. that my blog, my letter to the world is this. is this last paragraph. if there is nothing else that you have gotten out of reading this whole blog is this one thing. that i am Mormon. i will forever be Mormon. this is who i am. this is who i want to become. this is me. all of my life i did this for me. i wasn't forced to be this. i chose to be this. i want to be this. i want to raise my family in this church. i want to be married to Malinda for all time and eternity. and it is only by the Mormon church that we can make this possible. oh i wish i could tell you how i really feel right now. thanks to for all the advice that i was given. but more importantly thank you brother wright for being the person that i can always count on for anything that i need. for being that example that i have always looked to. i am who i am now because of you. i know you don't read this but i know that you can feel the love that i have for you.

Dear Religion, Where are you?

ok so i have taken some time to go and explore a couple of religions. so i just want to let you know how things are going. first off i just want to say to those who think that i am being a hypocrite. i know that i have done my fair share of judging. yes i have done some things that I'm not proud of. (and you may tell me that I'm calling the kettle black while I'm the pot. but you know what screw you for saying that. i didn't force you to read this. so don't be a little bitch and post on my blog as an anonymous person. grew some balls and put your name there. that is all i have say to you douche) but i can stand in your face and tell you that i don't like you. or make clear that i don't want to be your friend.

i still think that Mormons have sooo many things wrong. so while i was talking to one of the leaders of my congregation he informed that i shouldn't go out and find my way. cause you never know i might die and then what will i do. SERIOUSLY! thats what your going to tell me. here i am someone looking for my way. i want to know what i can do to find myself and that is the advice I'm given. no wonder so many people leave the church. oh and another one. alright now check this one out she told me that I'm going to be missing out. alright now i can kinda understand that one. but one thing i don't understand is that if a person is wanting to leave because of the way they have been treated the past 6 months. do you really think that they are going to miss what they have had. i don't think so. so I'm not going to miss anything. but hey nice job on trying the guilt trip method on me. sorry it didn't work.

ok so that was my rant. sorry y'all (world) but i feel like we're family here. i mean you read this blog cause its my open letter to the world. on here I'm 100% honest with you. i might say some things that you don't agree with. and hey that's cool. leave a comment and we'll talk about. that is what America is based on. discussion, disagreement, honesty, and well just a place for everyone to chill and hang out in. that is what this is for. my blog is for people to get a better understanding of me. i know its hard to figure me out. and lets just be honest here im not the easiest person to understand. but hey its cool. there maybe some times where i will hate you more then i hate the runs. but its cool we have to have things like this in our lives. ughh ok now back to what i have been talking about thanks for reading this far.

now in my life i have always been taught that the Mormon church was the only true church out there. and in this point in my quest for happiness the Mormon church still has everything that i would want in a church. but i still want to learn more. i want to see what else is out there. there has to be more to life then just one church. i need to find out what it is. i need to figure out why i am in the situation I'm in. why I'm not happy. so in my search the past couple of days i have come to meet some really cool people. my journey first started with the Presbyterian church. there i met a nice lady named Renae. i don't know if she was a pastor or what not. but she was the one that the guy in the front told me i had to talk to. there wasn't a lot that she told me. i guess it was more like a brief introduction to what they believe in. but i wanted more. i wanted to hear something that will catch my eye. i wanted the spirit to bear testimony to me there while she was talking. but i didn't feel anything. i didn't feel what i had come to know. i guess i will find out more on Sunday about what they really do believe in. i later went to go and visit with the Lutheran church. it was interesting talking with pastor Paul. we talked in the kitchen in the church while he made dinner for the members that night. we talked a lot about what he believed in. one thing that i thought was interesting was that he told me that their church was divided. the morning congregation were the more conservative bunch they didn't believe the same things that the more liberal group did. i cant for the life of me understand why someone will go to a church where they are divided. where as a member of the church you would not be one with another congregation of your same beliefs. i just don't understand it. i also met with the church of Scientology. now that was really interesting. now in no way I'm i ever going to commit to being a scientologist its just not who i am or what i am looking for. they did have a lot of really good things about them. like when it comes to how they treat people and how they approach life they have it right. i think lot of people can benefit from what they had they have to teach. i may not agree with how they fund their church though. but it is a really good place to go if you want to find yourself or find out whats wrong with you. but it is in no way a religion or a faith. and you cant tell me otherwise. we tried to meet the the Jews but there was no one to talk to. but we are going to meet with them tonight. same goes with the Catholics.

so my search goes on. i still honestly believe everything that the Mormon church believes in. i still want a lot of what they have to offer. but i just need to find myself. i need to find out who i am. I'm going to go into these religions with an open mind and not pass judgment on what they have to say. maybe i should talk with the Mormon missionaries and see what they have to say. if I'm going to go and look at every religion that i can i might as well talk to them as well. maybe they will have the answers that i need. if you have any suggestions on what to do please give me your 2 cents. i really would like it.

read with an open mind

so for the past 26 years i have been a part of something that i had no idea what it truly was. i guess what I'm trying to say is that i been a part of a religion that i didn't believe in for myself. i had those moments that most people would say changed their lives. you know those feelings where you just want to jump up and shout "i believe". but over the past couple of months i have had this debate in my head about what i believe in. for most of my life i have been told what to believe in. the choices have always been made for me. in a way my social life was always picked for me. but now i don't think that i want to live my life according to my religion. i want to live my life for me. i guess in a way this is very selfish of me to say but i think that before i take the next big step in my life i need to figure out who i am. i need to figure out if being a Mormon is what i want to be.

so first off I'm going to say that I'm not perfect. i am no where near perfect. i have my faults like most people do. i sin just like you do. and if your reading this and your thinking that you don't sin your lying to yourself. i have done things that I'm not to proud of. and the reasons that i am talking about this is because this is something i have been dealing with for most of my life. all of my life i have been judged on the things that i do. i grew up hearing that when i die i will be judged for the things that i do here on earth. but one thing that the church forgot to tell me is that while i am on this earth i will be judged by those that i should call my friends. that in my life i will be judged for every mistake that i make. and every mistake that you make. we are all judged. every person that lives is judged by the person next to us. when you walk in to a room there are a good amount of people that will look at you and think about how you look, what your wearing, and how you hold yourself. and you know that's ok. its how we are. as humans we tend to think that we are better then the person that is next to us. whether they are rich or poor homeless or live in a huge house. we look down at people like its in our nature to do so. but honestly people what gives us the right to do this. what gives us the right to think like this. and if you are one of those people who will say that they never judge then you are one of those who more then likely judge more then any one else reading this right now. and really need to take at look at themselves some more. now i know that there are also those who think that the only reason that i am thinking like this is because i must be doing something wrong. that is the Mormon mentality for those that don't know that. if you think that everyone is looking at you and judging you when you walk into church it must mean that your sinning. yes that is how we (Mormons) think. now I'm not trying to sit here and bash Mormons. honestly in my heart i do think that it is the only true church on earth today. i do believe that we do have a true and living prophet on this earth today. what i am doing is just venting and telling you what i have seen. i have been a Mormon all of my life. and i think that it is never told what it is really like for a Mormon young person to grow up in the church. and i know there are those who have also grown up in the church and don't agree with what i have to say. and you know what thats cool. more power to you. i just have a huge problem with those who try to be fake. they go and serve a faithful mission come home become someone of some authority and then bam they tell you that you NEED to go back to church. you NEED to be doing whats right. hey!!!! ya you. i remember when you used to call me when you were younger and brother was on a dang mission and you would ask me for liquor. ya your no different from all of us. just cause you did that doesn't mean anything. more power to you for doing that. here is a dang cookie. geeze!!

now I'm not saying that all Mormons are like this there are many who i know don't judge like a lot of Mormons do. i have met some amazing Mormons that i know are some of the best people that i have ever met. my friend m. ferry is the sweetest person that i have ever met in my life. i have heard that she can be a little judgmental from time to time. but you know i don't care. she will forever be in my eyes the nicest person in the world. and that can be said for her family. r. wright is the only person that i know that can go to for advice and he will give me the honest truth on what he thinks i should do next in my life. and that goes for the whole wright family. i wish one day that i can have a family like that. t. caldwell he is someone that i know i can trust with my own life. when i was down and didn't know where to turn he came and showed me who i really was again and gave me the confidence to be me. and cause of that i now have Malinda. now the list can go out about how great Mormons can be. but what really hurts is when your "friends" tend to judge you. i had a roommate who on the outside seemed like a really nice guy but honestly he is the most judgemental person that i have ever met. he walks around and he would act like your friend and then turn around and talk bad about you. believe me i have seen him do it so many times to so many people. its really sad.

in my life i have had the chance to meet people from all over the u.s and the world. i have talk to others about where they are from and what they are doing in life. and something that i have come to realize is that no matter how old or young you are. we (people) all want acceptance. we all want to be a part of something that means a lot to us. so we do what we have to do to feel like we are like those we want to be. but why do we do this. why do we put ourselves through so much bs just to be a part of the group. i never understood why i did that. now if you know me you would know that i can walk into any situation and take control of things no problem. but i did what most people do. i conformed to what i thought people wanted me to. i became something that im not. i lost myself in this.. thing. this thing that everyone wanted to be. i don't know why i did but i did. and now its time for me to walk out. now its time for me to find out who i am. i just want to be me. i don't want to feel like i am judged for being in love. be judged for not doing what you think is right. i honestly do wish that one day i can be able to walk into a Mormon church and not see how fake the people inside are. it just doesn't look good on you.

so what im going to be looking for on my journey to happiness is going to be just that. happiness i want to find where my heart will lead me. i want to find where i can find my own piece with god. i don't know where I'm going to find this. i don't know where am going to find right place. maybe it will lead me back to the Mormon church. i don't know. but something that i know in my heart is that i do have a testimony of the Mormon church and all its beliefs. i want it in my life more then anything in this world. i know that if i want to spend the rest of eternity with Malinda it will be by getting married in the Mormon temple. but how can i be some where were everyone is constantly judging the person next to them. why cant you just honestly like that person for being them. why cant you just friend someone cause you want to. and not cause its your calling to meet them. one day i will find a place where i will see this. one day i will be happy