5 years in the making

so five years ago i didn't know much about anything. and i wasn't really into the whole political thing. i was just a kid of 20. and i know this is going to sound really gay but i was watching Oprah with my mom and this man was on there talking to her about what was going on with the city of Chicago. and talked a lot of the crime and what his city was going through. it took me by surprise when he said that it was his city. it made me think about what kind of man he his. i started to kinda pay attention to what he was doing and what he was doing in the senate. then in July of 04 i was bored and i watched the dnc and there he was again. i listened to what he had to say and what he stood for. it was really hard to watch because i was what i thought was a kinda conservative person. but what i had brought light to my eyes and i felt like this is someone who could really change this country and help us in our time of need. i don't know about you but there are somethings that when you hear it you cant stand but to listen. what was said that night i will never forget. to hear a man tell his story about how he came out. to hear him talk about the struggles that he had to go through and they were stories that i have heard myself. but what was great about this man.

four years later i kinda found out what was great about this man. i found out why people were so drawn him. i heard him make an announcement that shocked the world. he announced that he would run for president of the united states. i was shocked and didn't really know how to take it. 2 months later he spoke here in Austin. 15.000-20,000 people attended it was crazy to watch people who have never heard his name put so much trust and faith into one man. it was a very humbling experience to see. but i wasn't convinced.

a year passed and he made his rounds and i was thinking wow the man who i saw years ago is really making an impact on this nation. and then he came to Austin. this time i had to get a close look at this man. and i knew that i had to take someone with Blogger: what is this - Create Postme to share what was going to happen to me. i stood about 20 feet from him. surrounded by about 20,000 people. and i heard a man that i knew could become president. i was 100% behind him.

as time went on he faced a lot of people who didn't kike him some of which are reading this now. but i knew he could pull past the primaries. he lost to an opponent in one state and then he gave the speech that i will never forget. the speech that will forever be in my head. he stated

"It was a creed written into the founding documents that declared the destiny of a nation.
Yes we can.
It was whispered by slaves and abolitionists as they blazed a trail toward freedom.
Yes we can.
It was sung by immigrants as they struck out from distant shores and pioneers who pushed westward against an unforgiving wilderness.
Yes we can.
It was the call of workers who organized; women who reached for the ballots; a President who chose the moon as our new frontier; and a King who took us to the mountaintop and pointed the way to the Promised Land.
Yes we can to justice and equality.
Yes we can to opportunity and prosperity.
Yes we can heal this nation.
Yes we can repair this world.
Yes we can.
We know the battle ahead will be long, but always remember that no matter what obstacles stand in our way, nothing can stand in the way of the power of millions of voices calling for change. (We want change.)
We have been told we cannot do this by a chorus of cynics…they will only grow louder and more dissonant ……….. We’ve been asked to pause for a reality check. We’ve been warned against offering the people of this nation false hope.
But in the unlikely story that is America, there has never been anything false about hope.
Now the hopes of the little girl who goes to a crumbling school in Dillon are the same as the dreams of the boy who learns on the streets of LA; we will remember that there is something happening in America; that we are not as divided as our politics suggests; that we are one people; we are one nation; and together, we will begin the next great chapter in the American story with three words that will ring from coast to coast; from sea to shining sea: Yes We Can."


so as i go tomorrow and cast my vote for a man that i think will lead this country in a way that we need it the most. and put forth my faith that my vote will count. my one vote can make a difference. now I'm not a Democrat. I'm not a liberal. i just know what i want. i know that a different future ahead of us and I'm ready for it. I'm ready for a new hope. a new transformed nation. a better America. i sit and shout "YES WE CAN, YES WE CAN, YES WE CAN"

my never

i don't know about y0u or if you know anyone that has ever been someone for just one person. and going through life knowing that you can never be with your never. knowing that only you know that y'all are meant to be and that the person that she is with is the wrong person. and wondering if she ever feels the same way about you. and then you realize that she doesn't. that you are alone. and that finding that one person and trying to make them fall in love you is going to be hard and you think to yourself that this can never happen again. that you will never have those three days of thinking to yourself man is this really happening to me. am i really going through one of those life changing moments where this girl. this beautiful girl is actually talking to me and wants to know everything about me and where i came from. she wants to know about my mom and dad my family and past. she is really trying to get to know where i came from. wow something like that doesn't just happen everyday. ugh but then life goes on and things start to happen. life takes over and then you are alone and you replay everything that you said during those three days and you try and think what would have happened if i said this or what would of happened if i did this. you start playing the what if game. the game that you never like to play. it never comes out the way that you want it to come out.

i sit here alone and think to myself what went wrong. what could i have don't to prevent these things from happening. why cant i have that fairy tale ending. wait does that even exist? is there really such thing as living happily ever after. i don't know. maybe there is. i just know that i wont ever know what it will be like to be with my never. she already has someone. who is her everything. and me I'm just here.

Will you think about me,
in time?
It's never my luck,
So nevermind.
I wanna say your name,
But the pain starts
again,
It's never my luck,
So nevermind.

I had a dream that you where with me ,
And it wasn't my fault,
you roll me over,
flipped me over,
like a summersault.
And that doesn't happen to me
I've never been here before
I saw forever in my never,
And i stood outside her
Heaven.

Will you wait for me,
In time,
It's never my luck,
So I'll say: never mine.
And i lost a lot of what i
never expect to ever
return
I tend to push it 'till the pushing turns from
hurting to burn,
I always take them to the place they always wanted
to go,
Then end up dancing 'round
this clown commands,
applause at a show...

I had a dream that you where with me ,
And it wasn't my fault,
you roll me over,
flipped me over,
like a summer salt.
And that doesn't happen to me
I've never been here before
I saw forever in my never,
And i stood outside her
Heaven
heaven,
inside her heaven,
heaven

And i could only dream of you and sleep,
but i won't see sunlight again,
i can try to be with you , but some how I'll end up just losing a friend,
And i can only reach for you
relate to you,
I'm losing my friend...
Where did she go?
where?

I had a dream that you where with me ,
And it wasn't my fault,
you roll me over,
flipped me over,
like a summer salt.
And that doesn't happen to me
I've never been here before
I saw forever in my never,
And i stood outside her
Heaven
I stood outside her heaven(3x)

Will you let me into your heaven?

then there was one

so ive come to the realization that its just going to be me for awhile. i dont know how long it will be. but from the looks of it it may be awhile. but im ok with that you know. ive learned a lot about myseld and kinda the person that i want to bel. im not here to make you happy of to cater to everything that you need. i dont always want to make everyone happy. im sorry but thats the truth. im kinda tired of always trying to make people happy and getting nothing in return. i try my hardest to alway make my friends and the people that i encounter days a little bit better because of what i did for them. but now im at the point where i dont really care anymore. ive reached the what about me stage in life. when is it going to be my turn to get what i want in life. i sit here alone in a room with an empty feeling and thinking to myself there has to be something better then this in life. there has to be more. i want to see what is out there in the world and i want to know what life has for me. but right now i just want those simple little things in life that i used to treasure. but i know i just treasure...... well nothing. i feel like im alone. i look like im alone. i am alone. its just me and it kinda sucks. im sick of people always asking me whats wrong or they ask if im ok. the answer is always going to be yes. i dont like to throw pitty parties for myself. ( and no this is not one) it you think it is your stupid and you dont know what venting is like. thats all this is. i have no one else to talk to so im telling the world whats going on. like marvin gaye said.
i dont know how to be happy. i dont know what makes me happy i just know how i feel. and its not how i want to feel. so any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. but i dont expect any thing so its all good. so im going to back and do what ever i can to make your life better and go back to being that best that i can be for everyone else.

greatness

what is greatness? what does it mean to be great at something? it is the state, condition, or quality of being great. so what does that mean? what does it mean to be in the state, condition, or quality of greatness. i have thought a lot this week of what it mean to be great. and how i could reach greatness. as i live my life i try to be good at what ever i do. i try to be a great friend, brother, son, and so on. but to achieve what the world defines as greatness is not what i would consider greatness to be. i have taken what i have done with my life and have realized that i have a long way to go to be great. to be what i want to be. to reach greatness. to be the man that could be the one that people look at as some what of a leader in whatever i do. i look around and i kinda compare myself to the people around me and i realize that i am different then most around me. i have a job that most people would not want in life but to me i love it. i once had a friend tell me that if you ever want to know what you want to do in life just think of what you find yourself doing at night when you have nothing to do. you know doing what makes you happy when no one else is around. i have always taken that to heart and that helped me realize what i wanted to do with my life. its funny to me when i hear people say that they dont want to go to work or that they are starting to hate the job that they have. i laugh because i love what i do. to me i do what i love and i love what i do. when the day comes when i say that i hate my job is when i need to take a look at my life and restart what i am doing. to achive greatness you cant be living your life the way that is wrong for you. find what makes you happy what is the one thing that you find yourself doing at 1 am when no one is around. that is when you find your so calles calling in life. that is when you find what you can be great at.

as i think about what i can do to reach the state of greatness i think about some of the examples that i have of men that to me in my eyes have reached the stage of greatness well not just men but people that i know. some of which dont even know that they have reached that stage in life but thwy are trying there very best to become the person that they know they want to be.

so i know i have a lot to learn in my young life and that i have a long way to go before oi reach the stage of greatness. and i know that one day i wil reach that stage and that i will become what i know is the very best that i can be. i hope that in someones eyes i will be what they wnat in life. that i will become what they want in a husband and father if thier children. only time will tell when i reach that stage. but until that day i promies to be the best that i can be. to be what ever you want me to be. who ever you are.

well here i am

so the past couple of weeks ive been debating a lot of things and kinda what i should do with y life right now. one of the things that ive been debating is if i should start dating. im not sure if i should or not. its not a being ready type of thing of if im ready or not its just a me type of thing. i mean i dont really know what i have to offer to the girls here. i mean with all the people that i have to i guess have compete with its kinda hard. i have a couple strikes against me at the get go. i mean im not an rm. thats one. i'm not currently in school so that is kinda looked down i guess cause everyone and they're mom is. the job i have is not what you would call the best. but i tell you what i love it more then anything. on somedays. but i just dont know about this whole dating thing. in some ways im kinda not ready. ive kinda gotten into it a little but nothing worth getting in to a relationship with.ugh. i really hate this part of life sometimes but i know that i need to go through it. i just think that i really know what im looking for now. i mean i thought i knew what i wanted in life but now i just dont know what im looking for. there are so many things that i want in life and i dont know if i can find someone that has everything that i want. i guess only time will till if i will ever find what i want in life. maybe the person that im looking for is right in front of me. but i just dont see them for that yet. ughhhhhhhhh why is life like this sometimes. hopefully life will be what i want it to be. hopefully i will find true happiness again. i once had it and i know what kind of joy it brings. life can be so sweet sometimes. :)