Where has the time gone

Its been a little over three months since the last time i posted anything. I don't even know where to start. I guess the first thing that i can say is that I am blessed to be where I am today. On December 18 2010 I married my best friend. We got married at her parents house. It was gorgeous. A little cold but perfect. I don't know if you have ever had those moments in your life where you feel like that on that day nothing was going to go wrong. That is what i felt the whole day. I remember leaving my brothers house with one of my closest friends in the world. And driving from Brenham, Tx to La Grange, Tx. For most of the drive we just talked. And it wasn't one of those drives where you just sit back and relax and let the other person drive. I was so nervous. She talked most of the way. It calmed me down and just made my day that much better. When we arrived in La Grange i got a call from Malinda informing me that she was alone at the hair stylist. And that she really needed someone there with her. The only thing i could think of was to send my best friend. Malinda later told me that it was very helpful having her there. And later on that night when I saw the love of my life walking towards me I know that at that moment in my life there was no other person I would have wanted standing next to me as my best man. So thank you Kurstin. With everything that I have gone through in my life you have always been there to make me laugh, smile, feel loved and so many other things. You are and will forever be one of my best friends.

Now Kurstin wasn't the only person who made our day perfect. Now allow me to paint you a little picture. Malinda is the youngest girl of 9. She has one younger brother. So for the family to have the youngest girl get married there was a lot of things going on. Malinda has always felt that she was picked on by her older siblings. And she was worried that she wouldn't have the wedding that she had always dreamed of. And on her wedding day her family showed there true colors. Malinda is a very lucky girl. When I arrived at the venue where the reception was to take place. I walked into a room that surpassed everything that we had wanted. Her sisters had taken what we wanted and just made it perfect. Her sister Kim and brother in law Robert had worked for hours to make it perfect for us. Her sister Sara made a beautiful wedding cake. It was just perfect. Everything was just perfect.

Ok so now I'm married. Now what? Now what do we do? We have made it to a place that most didn't think we would make it to. Malinda is now my wife and I am her husband. We live a honest life. We're happy and in love. Nothing can change that. If you have been one of my readers for as long as i have been blogging then you know that i have had my ups and downs. I have been in love before. I have had people taken out of my life for reasons I could have helped. I have seen the world change right in front of me. You have seen my world change in front of you. I have this blog so that i can talk to the world. So that i can talk to you. I don't know if I will continue this blog. Seeing that most of this blog (my letter to the world) is full of heartache and trials that I have been through. I have always said that my life is like a Blue October album. I have cried in front of you. Laughed with you. And made my peace with you. So to the world I leave you with this. Dream your favorite dream. Laugh like its the last time that you will ever see your friend again. And live for the next smile the next whatever you want it to be. Just remember that no matter what happens in life there is always another tomorrow. Thank you for being there for me. I will never forget everything that the world has given me. I will now close this chapter of my life. And start a new one with my wife. Now go and find happiness like i have. You deserve it. We all do.

Dear Stranger

I never had the chance to meet Rod Dial. I never was one of the thousands that his life touched while he was alive. I never had the opportunity to go and play sports with him, or sit in his presence. But this man has changed my life in a way that its never been changed. And for that I am grateful to know his friends. I don't know if his family or friends will ever see this but i want to tell you my friends about a man that is greater then most on this earth and is now where he is needed the most at this time. His life is one that will always be remembered.
Growing up I didn't have the best role model. My father wasn't one of those men who taught me about life. I guess in a way I became a man on my own. I learned the lessons the hard way. The way that I guess makes you stronger. In a way I'm glad that i was raised that way. It helped me see what I wanted for my family. It helped me become the man that I want to be. I have gone through many hardships in my life. But i have also been blessed beyond my dreams. They say that behind every great man is a great woman. Now i have found that great woman. I just need to become that great man. For years I have searched to find out what the true meaning of life is. I have lost friends and gained friends. I have loved and lost and then found true love. I have searched many churches just to go back to the one that I believe in. But there was still this void that I was trying to fill. There was still something missing in my life. I couldn't find it any where. I have spent many sleepless nights thinking about how I can better myself. I have thought about doing various things But it wasn't till I saw something that caught my eye. I was on facebook and I started to read what my friends where posting about this man. The way they talked about him made me think "who is this guy". I know one of his daughters. And she really is a great person. I have seen pictures of her and her dad in many places. But that is all I really knew about him. But the way that they spoke of him was in a way that made you pause and think about life. The news said that his friends spoke about him as if he was "holy". Now to me that might have been a little too much. Until i started to read his facebook page.
Rod Dial is man that lived life like there was no tomorrow. Many people have become better because of this man. One thing that i noticed is that he always smiled and would give huge hugs. He made people feel like they were worth something. As a young man he lost his father and would help the young men who didn't have fathers become that man that he had become. He was a person who truly cared about you. He served his church and his community as if they were family. He helped others, nurtured those who were in need of a pick me up. He taught the value of life to so many. Many say that he was the person they wanted to be. He was the example that you wanted for your kids. His children where the ones that you wanted your kids to be friends with. I know personally that just be knowing one of them I can see the example in her that she learned from her father. His love and his compassion was contagious.
After hearing so many wonderful things about Rod. I knew that it would be wrong not mention my feelings to man that I never had the honor to know. But because of his untimely death I know how want to live my life. I know that I can no longer take my family and friends for granted. I can no longer turn my head when someone is in need of a shoulder or hand shake. I know now that there are things that I want to change about my life, things that only a man like Rod Dial can teach. I hope that when it is my time to return to my heavenly father that my friends and family will talk about me like they do about Rod. I hope that one day my life will be able to touch half as many people as Rod Dial's did. So thank you Rod Dial. For the example that you have set for those that had the honor of knowing you and to those who didn't have that honor. One day I wish to be just like Rod Dial.

Well.......

Well i don't really know where to start. I feel like have been neglecting my blog. Seeing that my last post was in May. So much has happened in my life that i just need to let the world know. After asking the girl of my dreams to marry me I thought that it was going to be a smooth ride till the wedding. Seeing that i was in love and things were going really for me i couldn't think of anything that can ruin my high. But I guess you cant always have your cake and eat it too.I'm having a hard time with my future in-laws. Well just father-in-law. Its as if we cant do anything right in his eyes. We try so hard to make Our plans work for us. I think its something that he is having trouble with it. I can tell that he is someone that has to have control of every situation. I'm sorry but its not that easy with me. If you have known me for awhile then you would know that i have had "daddy" issues. Growing up i didn't have the best father. I was abused physically and emotionally. And i think that the emotional abuse is what hurt the most. I was always told that i wouldn't amount to anything and that i was pretty much useless. I had to help raise my younger siblings when i was 18. I don't know about you but being a father figure to a bunch of kids at 18 is not the best thing for a kid. But i did what i had to. I became the man that they needed me be. For years i put myself last and them first. I did my best. So now that i am older there are things that i just don't put up with. And having a controlling person try and run my life isn't going to fly. Malinda tells me to just forget about it and that's just the way he is. But i cant do it. there have been times where i just wanted to give up because of what he has done to her. But i cant. I'm in love with an amazing girl. Some members of her family don't see me for who i am.I don't know how they see me. Maybe its because I'm not successful enough for them. But I'm sorry i don't have a daddy to turn for everything that i have. But for the most part i love my new family. The change for me is going to be hard. I guess all i can do is put a fake smile on my face and do what makes Malinda happy.

On another note. I was in the hospital last week. It was hard to be there. To just lie in that bed and not be able to do anything. I was given some news that would change my life forever. The way that i cook the way i eat the way i live my life. I don't know if anyone can relate or not. But i have never had a moment in my life when i just sat there and watch my life change in minutes. I didn't know what to do or to say. I looked at Malinda and thought to myself how is she going to want to be with me when I'm down and out. I'm her rock I'm everything and now I'm stuck to this bed. So many things were going on in my head. Not to sound over dramatic or anything but that is what i was thinking. I'm better now. Malinda still loves me. everything is ok now. One thing that really change my out look on things was one nurse. Now i have never really thought much of nurses. I know that they play an important role in the hospital. They are very smart and most of them know a lot about what they are doing. But this time i saw a nurse who did more then just poke me. She came in about 6 in the morning. She was getting my meds ready for me and asked how i was doing. She started to tell me about what was going on with me. She let me know things that i can do to fix my life. I didn't for a moment think that she actually cared about me or my life. For me the best thing someone can do is just to make me laugh and not think about what was going on at that moment. For 2 days i had the best nurse in Austin. She was everything that i could have ever asked in a nurse. I now have a bigger respect for nurses. They aren't just there to poke you or to ask if you have pooped.

wow its been way to long

i cant believe its been 2 months since my last entry. there is so much i want to talk about. so many things have happened in my life and i don't know where to start. well first of all. i just want to say how much i love Malinda. she is the rock in my life. i have loved many girls before. but she is the first one to show my what true love is. i don't know how many times i need to tell her to show her how much i truly love her. when we first met her i had friends tell me that it was a bad idea to date her. but you know what. she made me happy and that was all that mattered to me. i have lost some of those friends because of it. and you know what i am happier for it. i am happier that i have found the love of my life. i cant wait to spend the rest of my life with Malinda.

one thing that does make it hard for me is the family. now my friends (the world, I'm saying this because i need to get this off of my chest. i need to vent. and if you have read my blog before then you know that this is where i go and vent. i talk to the world like you are my friends. this is where i am home. if you have something nice to say or advice then i will welcome it). OK back to my story. for most of my life my dad has always put me down. I'm not trying to sit here and cry about it. its not me. but you know i thought that when i got married i could spend time with my father in law. i was so excited for it. i thought to myself i might have someone that i can go to when i need advice for my family. sadly i wont be able to do that. no matter what i do, i try and talk to him but its like i don't exists to him. and he has tried almost everything to break us up. i don't know what to do. i cant lay there and take it like the other guys do. if you know me then you know that i don't back down from anyone. but i just wish there was something that i could to make him see me for me and that all i want to do is make Malinda happy. so any advice would be helpful.

so i have also had this great idea. if you have been reading my statuses on facebook then you know what i am talking about. something that has caught my attention here in Austin are the mass amounts of trailers that i have taken over the city. i look around and its like they are everywhere. and for the most part they really aren't anything special. i mean there have been tacos truck going around construction sites for years. that's nothing new. now there are better ones to try now. you can find everything from tacos to pizza to some thing in a cone. ( ok you were the executive chef at hudson on the bend and your best idea was to sell food out of a cone. yeah now i see why you were fired.) most of what you find is VERY unhealthy. well have no fear Austin i am coming. i present to my city. "The Pasta Trailer". we will have healthy items to eat. things that you wont feel bad to eat. pasta that you love. pasta that you grew up eating. the ones that make you scream for more. we cant wait to open. we cant wait to show our great city that there is something healthy out there to eat that tastes great. oh man im so excited.

ok so now that i have vented and i have told some happy news and what not. there is something that i want to talk about. now if you didn't know. i am a very emotional person. i mean i show how i feel on my shoulder. its funny my life can be told through blue octobers music. its really weird cause most of the music is written by a bi-polar genius. i have ups and downs. all the time. i feel depressed, sad, moody. i cant explain it. its really hard. i feel bad for Malinda sometimes cause she doesn't know what to do or what to tell me. i feel like a little kid. i see myself doing this and i cant do anything about it. i think i need to talk about this more often on here. this is my home. this is where i am myself. i love talking to the world. i have no idea who reads this. i don't know if i know you. or your one of my closes friends. i try everyday to be happy. i put on a smile and go. i do what i do for Malinda. i try so hard for her. but sometimes i feel like its not enough. i put her through so much. and it hurts too. i see what she goes through with her dad. with everything that i have seen that he puts her through i can see why she would want to give up. but she doesn't. she stands up for what she believes in. she follows her dreams. ( now if you have read this before then you know that i am a huge believer in doing what you love and loving what you do). to see her look at what is she is capable of doing and to watch the creative side of her just shine. just makes me so happy. i love every minute of it. if you don't love what you do in life then why do it. i don't understand how people can do something that they hate everyday. it makes no sense to me.

well its late. and i feel like i have taken up to much of your time. oh one more thing. even though i don't really have a father figure to show me the ropes to becoming a husband and later being a father. i have one great mom. she is the one who shows me how to love. and how to be loved. i also have randall wright. that is a man that i admire more then any man that i know. even though i am not one of his kids he treats me like his own. and has loved me like a son. and for that i am forever great ful. so world chase your dreams. dont let anyone get in your way of following your dreams. become that person that you want to be. become you.

my moms friend

Ive been doing a lot thinking lately. mainly about my life and the stuff i go through everyday. and i spend most of my time complaining to myself about what to do next. what can i do to make myself happier. you know just the me me me thing. it makes no sense to me. and i know everyone does it. i know most people in this world think the same way. no one has a perfect life. we all try and do what we have to do to get through to the next day. we all work towards our future. and sometimes you don't know what your future holds. but you wait for those moments that make up life. you wait for those once in a life time opportunities to come. and some times they don't. then what? what do you do next? i don't know. i cant give you any answers to life's questions. i just know that i love this girl and what to spend the rest of my life with her. and i cant wait for that.

last week i was talking with my mom. i try and go and talk with her at least once a week. and we were talking about her friends in Haiti. she told me that things were really hard for them. She has a friend who survived the earthquake. his family lived trough somethings that i know most Americans can never get through. (we're spoiled. lets face it. if the hot water doesn't come on fast enough we complain about it) he told her what it was like where the lived. no water, no food, no where to live. they spent a week sleeping in the streets. it was the norm for everyone. they laid there shoulder to shoulder on the ground. he told my mom that when they went back to their home they looked around and saw nothing that resembled their home. the floods destroyed everything. they looked in their small back yard and saw a body. it was a man from the next neighborhood over. the water dragged him down the hill. so they packed up and we to another city. there they were met with the same answers that they were given. no water, no food, no where to live. now what? so they found scraps and made a make shift home. they did what they had to do. sick, hungry, and in pain. they lived. they lasted there for a bit living on some kind of sweet potato. i didn't even know what it was. and then last week they were hit again. this time by the tsunami. something that didn't need to happen to this poor country. something that killed the hopes of many of the citizens of Haiti. now it was worse. now there was nothing. so as my mom talked with her friend last week. she asked him. how are feeling. and this man. this poor hungry sick man responded "I'm happy, I'm good" now I'm not that smart of a man but if that happened to me i wouldn't be happy. she didn't understand why he said that. he then said "I'm happy cause I'm alive".

as i sat there and talked with my mom the tears were hard to fight back. how many times do i sit there and complain cause the waiter didn't fill my huge cup of water. how many times do i get made cause the lock on my door sticks sometimes when i open it. how many times in an hour do we complain about the smallest stuff. i don't know about you. but i feel really stupid. i feel like i am so lucky to live in a country like this. i have everything that i need in my life. i think that i need to take a look at myself and just be thankful for what i have. be thankful to have food, shelter and to be healthy. we are all so lucky. i for one am very great full for my life. im happy. im happy to be alive. life is good.

the dance

so i thought that i would go get away from the drama that is my life. and just talk the world. so the past couple months we (the world) have gone through a lot together. we have seen a lot of tragedies and we have had a lot of heartache. we have lost so many of our dear friends and family. and i know that things could get worse they could end up being horrible for most of us. there has been talk of is this the last days for us. are we at the point where we have used up all of the resources that this great planet has to offer us. i don't know about you. but i think that we take what we have for granted sometimes. i mean honestly we don't have it that bad. as i watch the news and i have seen what this great country has been going through i cant help but to be great full to live in a country like this. i know that we all have our differences when it comes to politics other things. but honestly look around you. look at what we have. i am so great full to live where i live to be where i am. to love the one i love. i have so much to be great full for. and i know if your reading this you have to feel the same. you know we all go through so much. we all have hard times. but we are blessed we have love, happiness (or the opportunity to become happy). i just wish that the rest of the world has what we (Americans) have.

as i sat here and had my itunes going The Dance by Garth Brooks came on. and i dont know if you have ever seen the video for this song but at the end of the video he talks about how he wouldn't miss this "dance" for the world. and you know what i wouldnt either. i think that i would do this all over again. the pain the heartache. im tell you my friends i wouldnt miss this for the world

to whom it may concern

to tell you how i work. i am one of those people who make up my mind very quickly. i don't like to sit on life's questions for to long. i like to make my mind up in the moment. that way i go with what i feel. and with that said it has really hurt me in life. but then there are times when I'm glad that i did it. i am glad i went with my instinct and not what i thought about later in the day. i am telling you this because a week ago i went and tried to discover who i am. and i know i know. some of you might say that it takes more then a week to figure that out. but who are you to say that. who am i to think that. honestly i had no idea what i was thinking while i was on this journey. i thought to myself that something was missing. something was not there in my life. i thought that i needed something else to be happy. in a way i had this huge hole in my heart that needed to be filled. i have filled every other part of my heart with what my heart needed. but for some reason i thought that i needed more.

for most of my life i have been told how to live my life by who i thought were just people trying to run my life. i thought that i was being held back. when i was a teenager i was very envious of the people that went and partied all the time. i looked forward to the third Saturday of every month cause that i when we had our stake dance. i thought how lame is that that is what i looked forward to. why couldn't i go and do what everyone else did. why couldn't i be like them. i mean i thought that i was pretty cool. some who knew might think that i was a huge dork but you know i tried to be that person that i was supposed to be. i didn't know anything else. i just knew that it was bad not to do certain things. so years have pasted since i was in high school. and i sit here and i thought the same things. i looked at my friends and i saw how they were living there lives and thought why couldn't that be me. and it wasn't the worldly things that i was watching it was the other things. i wanted more. i wanted to stand out and be something or someone that made a difference.

i knew my life wasn't what it was supposed to be. it wasn't what i wanted for myself right now. i thought that maybe if i tried other things i would be able to find what it was i was looking for. and you know what, i found something that i haven't seen in a long time. i have been searching for this for long. i have been looking for this thing for most of my life. and you know what i found it. it only took me a week to find it. i found who i was and what i wanted for my life. and for my family. i went to seek advice from various people of different faiths. and what sucks is that the answers that i was looking for came from the person that i go and seek all of my advice from. now you see i haven't had an actual conversation with my father since maybe i was a teenager. there's the occasional hi and how are you. we did that for years. but now i have no idea where he is. so from the time i was maybe 15 i have talked to this man and have gone to seek advice from him. and you know what i should have gone there first.

on Tuesday i stepped into his office. and we had that usual how are you, how is life, whats new, you know the same questions that you ask "adults" (I'm still a kid in my eyes). and then we started to talk. and the feeling that i felt at that time was unlike anything i have felt in years. at that time in that moment i felt like i was talking to i guess a father figure. i was talking with someone who i knew loved me for me. not for what i have become. and then i got the advice that i have been looking for. there i found who i am. and what I'm going to become. i sat there and felt like there was hope for someone like me. and that there was nothing stopping me. so with that said i know who i am. i know what im supposed to do. he showed me that everything that i ever wanted was right in front of me. that i can't do this alone. that i had what i needed in life. he showed me how to be happy. and now that doesn't happen to often. he later talked with Malinda and I and talked to a bit about our future. i was comforted by his words. by his advice and by his love.

now if you have been reading this blog for the past week then you know that i have been searching for a new religion. i have read your comments and have taking them to heart. something that i was told by an old leader of mine was maybe i should look at what i have been a part of. i was told to be the bigger person. and that i should take a time out for a bit. and with all of the advice that i was given i have come to a conclusion.

first off i know who i am. i know where i come from and where i am going. i do know with all of my heart that the church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints is the only true church on earth today. and there is nothing any one can do or say to change that. i will for the rest of my life believe that. i will forever know that a boy by the name of Joseph Smith did see god and his son and restored the greatest book on earth. i know that the book of Mormon is sent from god and was given to us by revelation through Joesph Smith. i know we are blessed to have a prophet on this earth today. and that those men in Utah tell us what to do because they know us. they know what we are going through. i tell you my friends (the world) that all of this is true. that my blog, my letter to the world is this. is this last paragraph. if there is nothing else that you have gotten out of reading this whole blog is this one thing. that i am Mormon. i will forever be Mormon. this is who i am. this is who i want to become. this is me. all of my life i did this for me. i wasn't forced to be this. i chose to be this. i want to be this. i want to raise my family in this church. i want to be married to Malinda for all time and eternity. and it is only by the Mormon church that we can make this possible. oh i wish i could tell you how i really feel right now. thanks to for all the advice that i was given. but more importantly thank you brother wright for being the person that i can always count on for anything that i need. for being that example that i have always looked to. i am who i am now because of you. i know you don't read this but i know that you can feel the love that i have for you.

Dear Religion, Where are you?

ok so i have taken some time to go and explore a couple of religions. so i just want to let you know how things are going. first off i just want to say to those who think that i am being a hypocrite. i know that i have done my fair share of judging. yes i have done some things that I'm not proud of. (and you may tell me that I'm calling the kettle black while I'm the pot. but you know what screw you for saying that. i didn't force you to read this. so don't be a little bitch and post on my blog as an anonymous person. grew some balls and put your name there. that is all i have say to you douche) but i can stand in your face and tell you that i don't like you. or make clear that i don't want to be your friend.

i still think that Mormons have sooo many things wrong. so while i was talking to one of the leaders of my congregation he informed that i shouldn't go out and find my way. cause you never know i might die and then what will i do. SERIOUSLY! thats what your going to tell me. here i am someone looking for my way. i want to know what i can do to find myself and that is the advice I'm given. no wonder so many people leave the church. oh and another one. alright now check this one out she told me that I'm going to be missing out. alright now i can kinda understand that one. but one thing i don't understand is that if a person is wanting to leave because of the way they have been treated the past 6 months. do you really think that they are going to miss what they have had. i don't think so. so I'm not going to miss anything. but hey nice job on trying the guilt trip method on me. sorry it didn't work.

ok so that was my rant. sorry y'all (world) but i feel like we're family here. i mean you read this blog cause its my open letter to the world. on here I'm 100% honest with you. i might say some things that you don't agree with. and hey that's cool. leave a comment and we'll talk about. that is what America is based on. discussion, disagreement, honesty, and well just a place for everyone to chill and hang out in. that is what this is for. my blog is for people to get a better understanding of me. i know its hard to figure me out. and lets just be honest here im not the easiest person to understand. but hey its cool. there maybe some times where i will hate you more then i hate the runs. but its cool we have to have things like this in our lives. ughh ok now back to what i have been talking about thanks for reading this far.

now in my life i have always been taught that the Mormon church was the only true church out there. and in this point in my quest for happiness the Mormon church still has everything that i would want in a church. but i still want to learn more. i want to see what else is out there. there has to be more to life then just one church. i need to find out what it is. i need to figure out why i am in the situation I'm in. why I'm not happy. so in my search the past couple of days i have come to meet some really cool people. my journey first started with the Presbyterian church. there i met a nice lady named Renae. i don't know if she was a pastor or what not. but she was the one that the guy in the front told me i had to talk to. there wasn't a lot that she told me. i guess it was more like a brief introduction to what they believe in. but i wanted more. i wanted to hear something that will catch my eye. i wanted the spirit to bear testimony to me there while she was talking. but i didn't feel anything. i didn't feel what i had come to know. i guess i will find out more on Sunday about what they really do believe in. i later went to go and visit with the Lutheran church. it was interesting talking with pastor Paul. we talked in the kitchen in the church while he made dinner for the members that night. we talked a lot about what he believed in. one thing that i thought was interesting was that he told me that their church was divided. the morning congregation were the more conservative bunch they didn't believe the same things that the more liberal group did. i cant for the life of me understand why someone will go to a church where they are divided. where as a member of the church you would not be one with another congregation of your same beliefs. i just don't understand it. i also met with the church of Scientology. now that was really interesting. now in no way I'm i ever going to commit to being a scientologist its just not who i am or what i am looking for. they did have a lot of really good things about them. like when it comes to how they treat people and how they approach life they have it right. i think lot of people can benefit from what they had they have to teach. i may not agree with how they fund their church though. but it is a really good place to go if you want to find yourself or find out whats wrong with you. but it is in no way a religion or a faith. and you cant tell me otherwise. we tried to meet the the Jews but there was no one to talk to. but we are going to meet with them tonight. same goes with the Catholics.

so my search goes on. i still honestly believe everything that the Mormon church believes in. i still want a lot of what they have to offer. but i just need to find myself. i need to find out who i am. I'm going to go into these religions with an open mind and not pass judgment on what they have to say. maybe i should talk with the Mormon missionaries and see what they have to say. if I'm going to go and look at every religion that i can i might as well talk to them as well. maybe they will have the answers that i need. if you have any suggestions on what to do please give me your 2 cents. i really would like it.

read with an open mind

so for the past 26 years i have been a part of something that i had no idea what it truly was. i guess what I'm trying to say is that i been a part of a religion that i didn't believe in for myself. i had those moments that most people would say changed their lives. you know those feelings where you just want to jump up and shout "i believe". but over the past couple of months i have had this debate in my head about what i believe in. for most of my life i have been told what to believe in. the choices have always been made for me. in a way my social life was always picked for me. but now i don't think that i want to live my life according to my religion. i want to live my life for me. i guess in a way this is very selfish of me to say but i think that before i take the next big step in my life i need to figure out who i am. i need to figure out if being a Mormon is what i want to be.

so first off I'm going to say that I'm not perfect. i am no where near perfect. i have my faults like most people do. i sin just like you do. and if your reading this and your thinking that you don't sin your lying to yourself. i have done things that I'm not to proud of. and the reasons that i am talking about this is because this is something i have been dealing with for most of my life. all of my life i have been judged on the things that i do. i grew up hearing that when i die i will be judged for the things that i do here on earth. but one thing that the church forgot to tell me is that while i am on this earth i will be judged by those that i should call my friends. that in my life i will be judged for every mistake that i make. and every mistake that you make. we are all judged. every person that lives is judged by the person next to us. when you walk in to a room there are a good amount of people that will look at you and think about how you look, what your wearing, and how you hold yourself. and you know that's ok. its how we are. as humans we tend to think that we are better then the person that is next to us. whether they are rich or poor homeless or live in a huge house. we look down at people like its in our nature to do so. but honestly people what gives us the right to do this. what gives us the right to think like this. and if you are one of those people who will say that they never judge then you are one of those who more then likely judge more then any one else reading this right now. and really need to take at look at themselves some more. now i know that there are also those who think that the only reason that i am thinking like this is because i must be doing something wrong. that is the Mormon mentality for those that don't know that. if you think that everyone is looking at you and judging you when you walk into church it must mean that your sinning. yes that is how we (Mormons) think. now I'm not trying to sit here and bash Mormons. honestly in my heart i do think that it is the only true church on earth today. i do believe that we do have a true and living prophet on this earth today. what i am doing is just venting and telling you what i have seen. i have been a Mormon all of my life. and i think that it is never told what it is really like for a Mormon young person to grow up in the church. and i know there are those who have also grown up in the church and don't agree with what i have to say. and you know what thats cool. more power to you. i just have a huge problem with those who try to be fake. they go and serve a faithful mission come home become someone of some authority and then bam they tell you that you NEED to go back to church. you NEED to be doing whats right. hey!!!! ya you. i remember when you used to call me when you were younger and brother was on a dang mission and you would ask me for liquor. ya your no different from all of us. just cause you did that doesn't mean anything. more power to you for doing that. here is a dang cookie. geeze!!

now I'm not saying that all Mormons are like this there are many who i know don't judge like a lot of Mormons do. i have met some amazing Mormons that i know are some of the best people that i have ever met. my friend m. ferry is the sweetest person that i have ever met in my life. i have heard that she can be a little judgmental from time to time. but you know i don't care. she will forever be in my eyes the nicest person in the world. and that can be said for her family. r. wright is the only person that i know that can go to for advice and he will give me the honest truth on what he thinks i should do next in my life. and that goes for the whole wright family. i wish one day that i can have a family like that. t. caldwell he is someone that i know i can trust with my own life. when i was down and didn't know where to turn he came and showed me who i really was again and gave me the confidence to be me. and cause of that i now have Malinda. now the list can go out about how great Mormons can be. but what really hurts is when your "friends" tend to judge you. i had a roommate who on the outside seemed like a really nice guy but honestly he is the most judgemental person that i have ever met. he walks around and he would act like your friend and then turn around and talk bad about you. believe me i have seen him do it so many times to so many people. its really sad.

in my life i have had the chance to meet people from all over the u.s and the world. i have talk to others about where they are from and what they are doing in life. and something that i have come to realize is that no matter how old or young you are. we (people) all want acceptance. we all want to be a part of something that means a lot to us. so we do what we have to do to feel like we are like those we want to be. but why do we do this. why do we put ourselves through so much bs just to be a part of the group. i never understood why i did that. now if you know me you would know that i can walk into any situation and take control of things no problem. but i did what most people do. i conformed to what i thought people wanted me to. i became something that im not. i lost myself in this.. thing. this thing that everyone wanted to be. i don't know why i did but i did. and now its time for me to walk out. now its time for me to find out who i am. i just want to be me. i don't want to feel like i am judged for being in love. be judged for not doing what you think is right. i honestly do wish that one day i can be able to walk into a Mormon church and not see how fake the people inside are. it just doesn't look good on you.

so what im going to be looking for on my journey to happiness is going to be just that. happiness i want to find where my heart will lead me. i want to find where i can find my own piece with god. i don't know where I'm going to find this. i don't know where am going to find right place. maybe it will lead me back to the Mormon church. i don't know. but something that i know in my heart is that i do have a testimony of the Mormon church and all its beliefs. i want it in my life more then anything in this world. i know that if i want to spend the rest of eternity with Malinda it will be by getting married in the Mormon temple. but how can i be some where were everyone is constantly judging the person next to them. why cant you just honestly like that person for being them. why cant you just friend someone cause you want to. and not cause its your calling to meet them. one day i will find a place where i will see this. one day i will be happy

the places i have come to fear the most

ok so the year has started out not the way that i wanted it to. well i guess in a way it did with certain aspects of my life. i have an amazing girlfriend who i have come to love more and more everyday that i see her. she honestly is the best thing that has ever happened to me. even though sometimes i can be a jerk and have to have things my way she still tries to do everything in her power to make me happy. and i love that about her. you know my friends relationships can be really hard. i once heard a quote from one of our modern day poets " a mans greatness is determined by the obstacles he is faced with in life" -Curtis (aka 50 cent) Jackson. and you know this has been on my mind for the past couple of months. i don't know how this is going to pertain to my relationship with Malinda. but if i can make it where a relationships greatness is determined by the stupid and idiotic things that the guy does. then i think that we can make it and become something more then we have ever dreamed of. i don't know exactly how or when we will determine if we have overcome any of our obstacles we have been faced with. i mean when can you really determine if a relationship is successfully. i mean just because you have been together for years upon years does that make you a success?? i dont know. if any of my readers are "wise" in the ways of relationships then do tell. please oh please tell. but until then we will be happy and become what we are i guess destined to become. i cant wait to see what life has for us.


so another thing that has been on my mind is something that is common to you. something that i have been talking to you (world) for about a year now. and you know what i think that i am at the end of my rope with this one. i really dont want to be. but i feel like i cant be civil without this feeling like i am doing to much. ughh what else do i have to do to show this person that they play a role in my life. one that can be very important to me. but i guess that isnt going to happen. there was a time in my life where i.... i guess wanted this person to play a certain part. but now it cant be. and how grateful i am for that. no offense to what this is. but you know what i mean. it sucks that in life you cant write the part that you want your roles to play. you know you have the role of the bff and the one who shows you parts about yourself that you have forgotten. parts that were lost but they found them and brought it back to you. i have had a lot of that type of characters in my life. and oh how i wish things were different with my life. well not really i mean like i said earlier i have a great girlfriend. i have really really amazing friends but still there something missing in my life. but you know its ok. its ok to not have everything that you want in life. i have come to learn that. because even though you are some where that is unfamiliar to you. when you are some where that you fear more then anything in life. that my friends is where you find that one thing that will save your life. that is when you will find the light that will bring you happiness. that is why i am happy. even though i am some where that i dont want to be in life i am happy. i have the best thing that a man could ever want. i have you.

ok maybe this wasnt a good idea

ok for the past couple of months i have given up fast food and soda. when i first started this i thought that it was going to be pretty rough. for one i love diet coke. more then i ever thought i would. and i love fast food. i know some of you are thinking well jason you can cook some amazing food why must you eat such horrible food. and the reason is just like everyone else. im lazy and it taste so good. but one day in august i just couldn't take it anymore. i had to have some kind of change in my life. most people give these things up for health reasons. they want to lose weight and get healthier. for me it was a realization of " hey i can make better food then this crap. i can cook whatever i wanted to". there were many advantages to doing this. i did end up losing weight. i did feel healthier. it gave me a sense of accomplishment for doing nothing. i mean i lost around 10lbs. and honestly i did nothing. i maybe worked out a couple of times during the past couple of months. so not having fast food and soda really does make a difference. i learned a lot over these past couple of months. one i love water. there is nothing like have a huge cup of ice cold water. there were times when it was like 30 degrees outside and i would still want a huge cup of ice cold water. it was awesome. i got really used to only drinking water. on few occasions i would have something other then water. and even then it was really weird. but i think my drink of choice was horchata. i know random seeing that i dont really do many "mexican" things. but drinking that made me happy for some weird reason. but still water was my choice of beverage for sometime now. i will admit there were some times where i just couldnt take it any longer and i just wanted some diet coke to make me happy. but i kept my cool and didnt give into the temptation of soda.


so now here we are. a new year. a new start as some would say. i never really understood why people would call it a new start. well cause people remember you. they remember what happened the year before. i think i would consider a "new start" as moving to a place where no one knows who you are . where you can be what ever you want. that is new start. so here i am. its 2010. i dont have any new years resolutions. i just have goals. new years resolutions are things people break when the new year is over. when February hits and you forget all the resolutions you made just weeks before. so here is what i am planning, here are my goals for the new year. a new year for me to continue what i have been doing. i plan on giving up fast food and soda for the whole year. i think that im going to plan on just easing my way off of it totally. it hasnt really brought me happiness. its brought my mainly a bunch of fat that i have to carry around with me. but you know its ok. no one forced me to eat it. although im really going to miss the greatness of wendy's and whatabuger. i also have other goals that im going to accomplish in this year. one that will change my life for the best. i cant wait to see what is going to happen to me this year. i cant wait to start the next chapter in my life. life is good right now. im truly happy. so here is to you my friends. i raise my cup to my friends and to those in the world. let this year be the year that defines who you are and what you stand for. be what you've always wanted to be. chase that dream live it, love it, breath it. dont let anyone tell you that you cant follow your dream. make it happen. please make it happen. i hope all of your dreams and wishes come true to you all. good eats my friends.