Are we still friends???

So things have been pretty crazy these past couple of months. I have done so much that I don’t even know where to start. I know that I have posted other blogs in the past weeks but I think this one is really what I have been thinking. So I have this friend that I really really enjoy spending time with. She has made me happy in ways that I haven’t felt in a very long time. And it’s a good thing that I have her in my life. I know that there are some of my friends that don’t believe this. But its true. I only wish that everyone could experience what I have right now. She is pretty much amazing. She is one of those people who is always judged for things that happened in the past. Its funny that we’re mormon and we teach that we shouldn’t judge others for what they have done. But here we are judging. Its kinda sad honestly to see this happen so much. I try my hardest not to judge others and I feel that I do a pretty good job at it. But to watch her go everyday being judged by others who don’t even know her really breaks my heart. But I guess there is nothing that I can really do. All I can do is do what I have been doing. That is to be there for her to make her smile everyday. I don’t know where this relationship is going to go right now. But I do know that I love where it is right now.

So another thing that I wanted to kinda talk about here seeing this is where I go to vent. You know I love talking to the world. I don’t really understand some friendships. Like the ones where you think you are best friends with someone and that they are truly one of the best friendships that you have ever had and you would absolutely do anything for and come to find out that It was nothing like that. I have recently had this happen. But the thing is that I don’t really know what I did wrong. What is so bad with wanting to see one of your best friends. Just for the simple fact of spending time with someone that makes you happy. I know that this could get me in trouble but hey its ok. I’ve done worse. Another thing is what do you say when that person tells you that you are the highest maintenance friend that they have. Well I think that is what they said. I don’t really remember seeing that I was kinda pissed when I saw that. But seriously come on. That is the dumbest thing that I have heard in a very long time. For years I have been there for you when ever you needed me. I have dropped everything just so that I can be a true friend. Wow that’s really all I can say. I guess I’m not cool enough to be part of your cool club. But its ok . Maybe I don’t need to be a “cool kid”. and I hope you know who you are. You probably don’t even read this cause your too cool to spend time reading something as stupid as this. But oh well I’m still going to say what’s on my mind. It just really hurts because I thought the world of you. I would always tell anyone who asked that you were the most amazing person that I have ever met in my life. And you know what you still are pretty much up there. I wont ever doubt how amazing you can be. But life is taking us down two different paths. It really sucks that this is how I have to share my thoughts with you. But seeing that this is my letter to the world and you live in the world I thought it would be appropriate to do it here.

There is something else that I wanted to say here. Its an open apology to anyone that I have hurt in the past couple of weeks. With all that is going on in my life I have let something’s kinda slip and I have forgotten what I have promised. I don’t know where my life is going to go from here. I just know that I have a lot to work on. Its hard when you see yourself start to fail at things that you should be strong with. But you just let things happen. You tell yourself that its ok. That no matter what you can get through this. But this time I couldn’t. I cant do this alone. I keep putting myself into a hole that I cant get out of. I feel that I am stuck . I am stuck with what I have and that its going to be hard getting out of this. My personal life is in a way falling apart trying to be happy. I see in myself someone that I haven’t seen in a long time. The guy from my past. The guy that I had to let go of it I wanted to live the life that I want to live. And I don’t know how to get rid of him. He is making me do things that I know I shouldn’t. he is a procrastinating little punk that doesn’t get anything done. And you would think that with how my life is going with some aspects of it I would be happy. But I’m not. I need something else. I need to find out what makes me happy. I know that she makes me happy, I know that what I believe in makes me happy. And I know that food makes me happy. But what is it that I’m missing. What is that missing link that I cant seem to find. I hope I find it soon. Or else I’m totally screwed.

One last thing that I think you (the world) need to know. Is that I don’t ever talk about what I write here in person. That is why I put it on here If you think that I am talking about you. Well… more then likely I am. Sucks to be you.

Am I my brothers keeper

So lately I have had a lot on my mind. Mainly on the subject of why so many of us try and take a part in someone’s life. I am not someone who is innocent of this. I have had my fair share of butting in on others lives. But lately this has been on my mind. Why do we as friends feel like it is our place to be involved in lives that are not ours, for example. If you see someone who isn’t doing what you think is right why is It that we feel it is our place to tell them what we think. We often are so quick to judge others. I know I know we do not judge. I hear it all the time from friends. You know “ I don’t judge what your doing, its ok” Bs, you just judged right there. That right there is telling that you are judging. It was the first thing that came to your mind. That is why you said it. I can only say this because I have realized that I too judge. I am also guilty of this wrong doing. What really bugs me is when you are not doing things that are bad. You are in fact trying to better yourself and you still have those people who are quick to tell you that your still doing wrong things. Without any evidence of any wrong doing. So when it comes to things like this. I think that If you are going to have an opinion it is best that you talk to your so-called friend and ask him/her. When you assume things about some one you well……. You know the rest. I have seen a lot of things along these lines the past couple of months. Maybe its just me looking into other peoples lives. I try really hard not to get involved. I have a friend who is going through pretty much hell. And I cant help but to add my two cents on the situation. I wish I could do so much more for her. But I know that there is only so much I can do as a friend.

So im sure your thinking that there are sometimes in our friends lives that we do need to get involved. And that’s ok. But at the same time you cant help someone who doesn’t want the help. So what I have learned over the years is that you have to show them that what they are doing is hurting themselves. Make them see what it is that they are doing. In the end they will thank you for being there for them. Some times I wish that I had friends that did that for me when I was younger. But now there is nothing I can do about it. You never think about what your doing till its too late. And then when its all said and done you look at what you have done in the past and you try and be grateful for all the crap that you have done. And I can only speak for myself but I am glad that I have done what I have done. It has taught me so much about life. But now I look at my life and think wonder if I’d be different person if things turned out differently for me. I don’t know. I cant tell you that. I can only tell you what is going to happen now. And what I plan for my future. I have often thought about the idea of seeing the future. And you know what I don’t think that I would ever want to see what is planned for me. There is no fun in that. To me life is about the little moments that make your heart melt. The times in life where you do something just to say that you did it. And of course life is about doing that one thing for just a taste. A taste of something magical. I know that is how life is for me. I do it all for the taste. And you know what my fiends I am hungry for more.

Regret???

So things have been really interesting for me the past week. Well to be honest the past month. Has gone really well and really bad at the same time. And now its October and I'm sitting here in a unfamiliar place thinking about where I want my life to go. And how I want to live my life. I have done things that I am not proud of. And I have done things in my life that I didn’t thing think I would ever have the chance to do. But as I sit here I cant help but to think of where my life would have been. If only certain things would have happened. I guess it puts the thought in my head that I shouldn’t live my life with regrets. But I know that I will live my life with at least 2 regrets. And its hard because if I was to pick one of them I couldn’t have the other. So its one of those things that where I want my cake and to eat it to. But what if…. Lets say the first regret was to happen. I would be happy. I would be very happy. I would have my dreams come true and I would be living the life that I would have dreamed of. And now for my second regret. Now it would have been really hard to have this. But it would have made me… well happier then the first regret would have made me. I don’t know. I have shared with this regret things that I have never shared with anyone else. This regret has also showed me a part of me that I forgot was there. And for that I am forever grateful. Now if I had it my way I would at least have one of those. But life has another purpose for us. It makes me think of the Garth Brooks song “unanswered prayers” now this isn’t the first time that I have compared my life to a song. I guess I live my life as a song. I keep my emotions on my face. A friend once told me that I shouldn’t always be stressed. That you can see it in my face. I don’t really know how to take that. But coming from here it has made me really think hard about that. Ok so back to the song. I know that it is a good thing that I had to lose the regrets. One day I will see what that reason is. But for now I will just go forward with faith and pray that this is the right thing for me at this time. I think that you can tell a lot about a person by their regrets. And I know that there are some out there that have no regrets. Oh I wish I could be one of them. But I know that for the rest of my life I will always have 2.

Now don’t get me wrong. This hasn’t taken me away from what my long term goal is. I know that I still have a long way to go to where I can get to the point where I can be who I want to be. And really live my life in a way that I would feel happy about. I look at my friends and what they have accomplished and I look at mine as well. I guess I have focused my life on something that I probably shouldn’t have. I know that sounds like I’m putting to much pressure on myself. And that’s ok. I would rather put the world on my shoulder then to have someone go through what I have I think that is why I always want to take care of others and do what I can to make them happy. I know that I have a lot to give and to offer. And that I have a voice that needs to be heard. I need to share what I have done with the world. I need to learn to live my life with no regrets. To live a life where I am truly happy. I don’t know where or how im going to do this. How does one find happiness in something that they have created. In a place where I’m not who I want to be. May be that’s it. Maybe I need to find out where I want to be. Not just in a physical way but with every aspect of my life. Maybe the key to happiness isn’t what the world can give you. Maybe its something that you have to find within yourself. Maybe that’s how you live your life