to whom it may concern

to tell you how i work. i am one of those people who make up my mind very quickly. i don't like to sit on life's questions for to long. i like to make my mind up in the moment. that way i go with what i feel. and with that said it has really hurt me in life. but then there are times when I'm glad that i did it. i am glad i went with my instinct and not what i thought about later in the day. i am telling you this because a week ago i went and tried to discover who i am. and i know i know. some of you might say that it takes more then a week to figure that out. but who are you to say that. who am i to think that. honestly i had no idea what i was thinking while i was on this journey. i thought to myself that something was missing. something was not there in my life. i thought that i needed something else to be happy. in a way i had this huge hole in my heart that needed to be filled. i have filled every other part of my heart with what my heart needed. but for some reason i thought that i needed more.

for most of my life i have been told how to live my life by who i thought were just people trying to run my life. i thought that i was being held back. when i was a teenager i was very envious of the people that went and partied all the time. i looked forward to the third Saturday of every month cause that i when we had our stake dance. i thought how lame is that that is what i looked forward to. why couldn't i go and do what everyone else did. why couldn't i be like them. i mean i thought that i was pretty cool. some who knew might think that i was a huge dork but you know i tried to be that person that i was supposed to be. i didn't know anything else. i just knew that it was bad not to do certain things. so years have pasted since i was in high school. and i sit here and i thought the same things. i looked at my friends and i saw how they were living there lives and thought why couldn't that be me. and it wasn't the worldly things that i was watching it was the other things. i wanted more. i wanted to stand out and be something or someone that made a difference.

i knew my life wasn't what it was supposed to be. it wasn't what i wanted for myself right now. i thought that maybe if i tried other things i would be able to find what it was i was looking for. and you know what, i found something that i haven't seen in a long time. i have been searching for this for long. i have been looking for this thing for most of my life. and you know what i found it. it only took me a week to find it. i found who i was and what i wanted for my life. and for my family. i went to seek advice from various people of different faiths. and what sucks is that the answers that i was looking for came from the person that i go and seek all of my advice from. now you see i haven't had an actual conversation with my father since maybe i was a teenager. there's the occasional hi and how are you. we did that for years. but now i have no idea where he is. so from the time i was maybe 15 i have talked to this man and have gone to seek advice from him. and you know what i should have gone there first.

on Tuesday i stepped into his office. and we had that usual how are you, how is life, whats new, you know the same questions that you ask "adults" (I'm still a kid in my eyes). and then we started to talk. and the feeling that i felt at that time was unlike anything i have felt in years. at that time in that moment i felt like i was talking to i guess a father figure. i was talking with someone who i knew loved me for me. not for what i have become. and then i got the advice that i have been looking for. there i found who i am. and what I'm going to become. i sat there and felt like there was hope for someone like me. and that there was nothing stopping me. so with that said i know who i am. i know what im supposed to do. he showed me that everything that i ever wanted was right in front of me. that i can't do this alone. that i had what i needed in life. he showed me how to be happy. and now that doesn't happen to often. he later talked with Malinda and I and talked to a bit about our future. i was comforted by his words. by his advice and by his love.

now if you have been reading this blog for the past week then you know that i have been searching for a new religion. i have read your comments and have taking them to heart. something that i was told by an old leader of mine was maybe i should look at what i have been a part of. i was told to be the bigger person. and that i should take a time out for a bit. and with all of the advice that i was given i have come to a conclusion.

first off i know who i am. i know where i come from and where i am going. i do know with all of my heart that the church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints is the only true church on earth today. and there is nothing any one can do or say to change that. i will for the rest of my life believe that. i will forever know that a boy by the name of Joseph Smith did see god and his son and restored the greatest book on earth. i know that the book of Mormon is sent from god and was given to us by revelation through Joesph Smith. i know we are blessed to have a prophet on this earth today. and that those men in Utah tell us what to do because they know us. they know what we are going through. i tell you my friends (the world) that all of this is true. that my blog, my letter to the world is this. is this last paragraph. if there is nothing else that you have gotten out of reading this whole blog is this one thing. that i am Mormon. i will forever be Mormon. this is who i am. this is who i want to become. this is me. all of my life i did this for me. i wasn't forced to be this. i chose to be this. i want to be this. i want to raise my family in this church. i want to be married to Malinda for all time and eternity. and it is only by the Mormon church that we can make this possible. oh i wish i could tell you how i really feel right now. thanks to for all the advice that i was given. but more importantly thank you brother wright for being the person that i can always count on for anything that i need. for being that example that i have always looked to. i am who i am now because of you. i know you don't read this but i know that you can feel the love that i have for you.

Dear Religion, Where are you?

ok so i have taken some time to go and explore a couple of religions. so i just want to let you know how things are going. first off i just want to say to those who think that i am being a hypocrite. i know that i have done my fair share of judging. yes i have done some things that I'm not proud of. (and you may tell me that I'm calling the kettle black while I'm the pot. but you know what screw you for saying that. i didn't force you to read this. so don't be a little bitch and post on my blog as an anonymous person. grew some balls and put your name there. that is all i have say to you douche) but i can stand in your face and tell you that i don't like you. or make clear that i don't want to be your friend.

i still think that Mormons have sooo many things wrong. so while i was talking to one of the leaders of my congregation he informed that i shouldn't go out and find my way. cause you never know i might die and then what will i do. SERIOUSLY! thats what your going to tell me. here i am someone looking for my way. i want to know what i can do to find myself and that is the advice I'm given. no wonder so many people leave the church. oh and another one. alright now check this one out she told me that I'm going to be missing out. alright now i can kinda understand that one. but one thing i don't understand is that if a person is wanting to leave because of the way they have been treated the past 6 months. do you really think that they are going to miss what they have had. i don't think so. so I'm not going to miss anything. but hey nice job on trying the guilt trip method on me. sorry it didn't work.

ok so that was my rant. sorry y'all (world) but i feel like we're family here. i mean you read this blog cause its my open letter to the world. on here I'm 100% honest with you. i might say some things that you don't agree with. and hey that's cool. leave a comment and we'll talk about. that is what America is based on. discussion, disagreement, honesty, and well just a place for everyone to chill and hang out in. that is what this is for. my blog is for people to get a better understanding of me. i know its hard to figure me out. and lets just be honest here im not the easiest person to understand. but hey its cool. there maybe some times where i will hate you more then i hate the runs. but its cool we have to have things like this in our lives. ughh ok now back to what i have been talking about thanks for reading this far.

now in my life i have always been taught that the Mormon church was the only true church out there. and in this point in my quest for happiness the Mormon church still has everything that i would want in a church. but i still want to learn more. i want to see what else is out there. there has to be more to life then just one church. i need to find out what it is. i need to figure out why i am in the situation I'm in. why I'm not happy. so in my search the past couple of days i have come to meet some really cool people. my journey first started with the Presbyterian church. there i met a nice lady named Renae. i don't know if she was a pastor or what not. but she was the one that the guy in the front told me i had to talk to. there wasn't a lot that she told me. i guess it was more like a brief introduction to what they believe in. but i wanted more. i wanted to hear something that will catch my eye. i wanted the spirit to bear testimony to me there while she was talking. but i didn't feel anything. i didn't feel what i had come to know. i guess i will find out more on Sunday about what they really do believe in. i later went to go and visit with the Lutheran church. it was interesting talking with pastor Paul. we talked in the kitchen in the church while he made dinner for the members that night. we talked a lot about what he believed in. one thing that i thought was interesting was that he told me that their church was divided. the morning congregation were the more conservative bunch they didn't believe the same things that the more liberal group did. i cant for the life of me understand why someone will go to a church where they are divided. where as a member of the church you would not be one with another congregation of your same beliefs. i just don't understand it. i also met with the church of Scientology. now that was really interesting. now in no way I'm i ever going to commit to being a scientologist its just not who i am or what i am looking for. they did have a lot of really good things about them. like when it comes to how they treat people and how they approach life they have it right. i think lot of people can benefit from what they had they have to teach. i may not agree with how they fund their church though. but it is a really good place to go if you want to find yourself or find out whats wrong with you. but it is in no way a religion or a faith. and you cant tell me otherwise. we tried to meet the the Jews but there was no one to talk to. but we are going to meet with them tonight. same goes with the Catholics.

so my search goes on. i still honestly believe everything that the Mormon church believes in. i still want a lot of what they have to offer. but i just need to find myself. i need to find out who i am. I'm going to go into these religions with an open mind and not pass judgment on what they have to say. maybe i should talk with the Mormon missionaries and see what they have to say. if I'm going to go and look at every religion that i can i might as well talk to them as well. maybe they will have the answers that i need. if you have any suggestions on what to do please give me your 2 cents. i really would like it.

read with an open mind

so for the past 26 years i have been a part of something that i had no idea what it truly was. i guess what I'm trying to say is that i been a part of a religion that i didn't believe in for myself. i had those moments that most people would say changed their lives. you know those feelings where you just want to jump up and shout "i believe". but over the past couple of months i have had this debate in my head about what i believe in. for most of my life i have been told what to believe in. the choices have always been made for me. in a way my social life was always picked for me. but now i don't think that i want to live my life according to my religion. i want to live my life for me. i guess in a way this is very selfish of me to say but i think that before i take the next big step in my life i need to figure out who i am. i need to figure out if being a Mormon is what i want to be.

so first off I'm going to say that I'm not perfect. i am no where near perfect. i have my faults like most people do. i sin just like you do. and if your reading this and your thinking that you don't sin your lying to yourself. i have done things that I'm not to proud of. and the reasons that i am talking about this is because this is something i have been dealing with for most of my life. all of my life i have been judged on the things that i do. i grew up hearing that when i die i will be judged for the things that i do here on earth. but one thing that the church forgot to tell me is that while i am on this earth i will be judged by those that i should call my friends. that in my life i will be judged for every mistake that i make. and every mistake that you make. we are all judged. every person that lives is judged by the person next to us. when you walk in to a room there are a good amount of people that will look at you and think about how you look, what your wearing, and how you hold yourself. and you know that's ok. its how we are. as humans we tend to think that we are better then the person that is next to us. whether they are rich or poor homeless or live in a huge house. we look down at people like its in our nature to do so. but honestly people what gives us the right to do this. what gives us the right to think like this. and if you are one of those people who will say that they never judge then you are one of those who more then likely judge more then any one else reading this right now. and really need to take at look at themselves some more. now i know that there are also those who think that the only reason that i am thinking like this is because i must be doing something wrong. that is the Mormon mentality for those that don't know that. if you think that everyone is looking at you and judging you when you walk into church it must mean that your sinning. yes that is how we (Mormons) think. now I'm not trying to sit here and bash Mormons. honestly in my heart i do think that it is the only true church on earth today. i do believe that we do have a true and living prophet on this earth today. what i am doing is just venting and telling you what i have seen. i have been a Mormon all of my life. and i think that it is never told what it is really like for a Mormon young person to grow up in the church. and i know there are those who have also grown up in the church and don't agree with what i have to say. and you know what thats cool. more power to you. i just have a huge problem with those who try to be fake. they go and serve a faithful mission come home become someone of some authority and then bam they tell you that you NEED to go back to church. you NEED to be doing whats right. hey!!!! ya you. i remember when you used to call me when you were younger and brother was on a dang mission and you would ask me for liquor. ya your no different from all of us. just cause you did that doesn't mean anything. more power to you for doing that. here is a dang cookie. geeze!!

now I'm not saying that all Mormons are like this there are many who i know don't judge like a lot of Mormons do. i have met some amazing Mormons that i know are some of the best people that i have ever met. my friend m. ferry is the sweetest person that i have ever met in my life. i have heard that she can be a little judgmental from time to time. but you know i don't care. she will forever be in my eyes the nicest person in the world. and that can be said for her family. r. wright is the only person that i know that can go to for advice and he will give me the honest truth on what he thinks i should do next in my life. and that goes for the whole wright family. i wish one day that i can have a family like that. t. caldwell he is someone that i know i can trust with my own life. when i was down and didn't know where to turn he came and showed me who i really was again and gave me the confidence to be me. and cause of that i now have Malinda. now the list can go out about how great Mormons can be. but what really hurts is when your "friends" tend to judge you. i had a roommate who on the outside seemed like a really nice guy but honestly he is the most judgemental person that i have ever met. he walks around and he would act like your friend and then turn around and talk bad about you. believe me i have seen him do it so many times to so many people. its really sad.

in my life i have had the chance to meet people from all over the u.s and the world. i have talk to others about where they are from and what they are doing in life. and something that i have come to realize is that no matter how old or young you are. we (people) all want acceptance. we all want to be a part of something that means a lot to us. so we do what we have to do to feel like we are like those we want to be. but why do we do this. why do we put ourselves through so much bs just to be a part of the group. i never understood why i did that. now if you know me you would know that i can walk into any situation and take control of things no problem. but i did what most people do. i conformed to what i thought people wanted me to. i became something that im not. i lost myself in this.. thing. this thing that everyone wanted to be. i don't know why i did but i did. and now its time for me to walk out. now its time for me to find out who i am. i just want to be me. i don't want to feel like i am judged for being in love. be judged for not doing what you think is right. i honestly do wish that one day i can be able to walk into a Mormon church and not see how fake the people inside are. it just doesn't look good on you.

so what im going to be looking for on my journey to happiness is going to be just that. happiness i want to find where my heart will lead me. i want to find where i can find my own piece with god. i don't know where I'm going to find this. i don't know where am going to find right place. maybe it will lead me back to the Mormon church. i don't know. but something that i know in my heart is that i do have a testimony of the Mormon church and all its beliefs. i want it in my life more then anything in this world. i know that if i want to spend the rest of eternity with Malinda it will be by getting married in the Mormon temple. but how can i be some where were everyone is constantly judging the person next to them. why cant you just honestly like that person for being them. why cant you just friend someone cause you want to. and not cause its your calling to meet them. one day i will find a place where i will see this. one day i will be happy

the places i have come to fear the most

ok so the year has started out not the way that i wanted it to. well i guess in a way it did with certain aspects of my life. i have an amazing girlfriend who i have come to love more and more everyday that i see her. she honestly is the best thing that has ever happened to me. even though sometimes i can be a jerk and have to have things my way she still tries to do everything in her power to make me happy. and i love that about her. you know my friends relationships can be really hard. i once heard a quote from one of our modern day poets " a mans greatness is determined by the obstacles he is faced with in life" -Curtis (aka 50 cent) Jackson. and you know this has been on my mind for the past couple of months. i don't know how this is going to pertain to my relationship with Malinda. but if i can make it where a relationships greatness is determined by the stupid and idiotic things that the guy does. then i think that we can make it and become something more then we have ever dreamed of. i don't know exactly how or when we will determine if we have overcome any of our obstacles we have been faced with. i mean when can you really determine if a relationship is successfully. i mean just because you have been together for years upon years does that make you a success?? i dont know. if any of my readers are "wise" in the ways of relationships then do tell. please oh please tell. but until then we will be happy and become what we are i guess destined to become. i cant wait to see what life has for us.


so another thing that has been on my mind is something that is common to you. something that i have been talking to you (world) for about a year now. and you know what i think that i am at the end of my rope with this one. i really dont want to be. but i feel like i cant be civil without this feeling like i am doing to much. ughh what else do i have to do to show this person that they play a role in my life. one that can be very important to me. but i guess that isnt going to happen. there was a time in my life where i.... i guess wanted this person to play a certain part. but now it cant be. and how grateful i am for that. no offense to what this is. but you know what i mean. it sucks that in life you cant write the part that you want your roles to play. you know you have the role of the bff and the one who shows you parts about yourself that you have forgotten. parts that were lost but they found them and brought it back to you. i have had a lot of that type of characters in my life. and oh how i wish things were different with my life. well not really i mean like i said earlier i have a great girlfriend. i have really really amazing friends but still there something missing in my life. but you know its ok. its ok to not have everything that you want in life. i have come to learn that. because even though you are some where that is unfamiliar to you. when you are some where that you fear more then anything in life. that my friends is where you find that one thing that will save your life. that is when you will find the light that will bring you happiness. that is why i am happy. even though i am some where that i dont want to be in life i am happy. i have the best thing that a man could ever want. i have you.

ok maybe this wasnt a good idea

ok for the past couple of months i have given up fast food and soda. when i first started this i thought that it was going to be pretty rough. for one i love diet coke. more then i ever thought i would. and i love fast food. i know some of you are thinking well jason you can cook some amazing food why must you eat such horrible food. and the reason is just like everyone else. im lazy and it taste so good. but one day in august i just couldn't take it anymore. i had to have some kind of change in my life. most people give these things up for health reasons. they want to lose weight and get healthier. for me it was a realization of " hey i can make better food then this crap. i can cook whatever i wanted to". there were many advantages to doing this. i did end up losing weight. i did feel healthier. it gave me a sense of accomplishment for doing nothing. i mean i lost around 10lbs. and honestly i did nothing. i maybe worked out a couple of times during the past couple of months. so not having fast food and soda really does make a difference. i learned a lot over these past couple of months. one i love water. there is nothing like have a huge cup of ice cold water. there were times when it was like 30 degrees outside and i would still want a huge cup of ice cold water. it was awesome. i got really used to only drinking water. on few occasions i would have something other then water. and even then it was really weird. but i think my drink of choice was horchata. i know random seeing that i dont really do many "mexican" things. but drinking that made me happy for some weird reason. but still water was my choice of beverage for sometime now. i will admit there were some times where i just couldnt take it any longer and i just wanted some diet coke to make me happy. but i kept my cool and didnt give into the temptation of soda.


so now here we are. a new year. a new start as some would say. i never really understood why people would call it a new start. well cause people remember you. they remember what happened the year before. i think i would consider a "new start" as moving to a place where no one knows who you are . where you can be what ever you want. that is new start. so here i am. its 2010. i dont have any new years resolutions. i just have goals. new years resolutions are things people break when the new year is over. when February hits and you forget all the resolutions you made just weeks before. so here is what i am planning, here are my goals for the new year. a new year for me to continue what i have been doing. i plan on giving up fast food and soda for the whole year. i think that im going to plan on just easing my way off of it totally. it hasnt really brought me happiness. its brought my mainly a bunch of fat that i have to carry around with me. but you know its ok. no one forced me to eat it. although im really going to miss the greatness of wendy's and whatabuger. i also have other goals that im going to accomplish in this year. one that will change my life for the best. i cant wait to see what is going to happen to me this year. i cant wait to start the next chapter in my life. life is good right now. im truly happy. so here is to you my friends. i raise my cup to my friends and to those in the world. let this year be the year that defines who you are and what you stand for. be what you've always wanted to be. chase that dream live it, love it, breath it. dont let anyone tell you that you cant follow your dream. make it happen. please make it happen. i hope all of your dreams and wishes come true to you all. good eats my friends.

fariy tales do exists

ok so i have been reading over some of my old blogs and i have noticed that there are a few hand fulls where i talk about not ever falling in love again and not ever finding the "girl of my dreams". so i just wanted to stand here and tell you that i am truly happy right now. i have found that girl that i can fall in love with who loves me more then i have ever been loved. she is amazing and i love everything about her. i really want to just go to the top of the highest building and tell the world that i love my girlfriend Malinda. i know this is kinda cheesy but its who i am. i want everyone to know this. im honestly the happiest that i have ever been at this moment. i can sit here and look at the girl that is on my moms couch and be happy that i am with her. she is the best thing to happen to me.

just thought that i would let you know. love you Malinda :)

and yes i really am this big of a dork

an ounce of peace is all i want for you

so in my life i have come across so many different people. i have had the chance to love so many people. i have shared moments in my life that i am so happy i had the chance to do with you. i have so many memories with some of my friends. and some thathave meant more to me then just a friendship. but it is time now that i put a lot of things away in my life. it is time that i move on in my life and do what i have always wanted to do. it is time for me to go and make my mark in this world. its time for me to leave my piece of history on paper. now i don't know what im going to have to do to do this but i feel that it is time for the next step in life. i recently read a book that changed my life. i would tell anyone who is looking for who they are to read this book. and while i was reading this i noticed that i need to take control of my destiny. and i know that i need to take what i know, take who i am and become someone. go and make the love of my life a happy person. i need to tell the ones that i have loved before that i need to move on and love her with all of my heart. its funny how i look at my life now and how i have made myself who i am today. some who read this dont really know me. honestly there are few who do. but for the ones that know me know that i am really happy right now. i have this glow in my eye because i have found true happiness. i once posted that i wish to one day know what true love is again. and how i wasn't sure that i would ever feel that again. and as i look back at that person who showed me how to love again and to see that it is not the girl that i am in love with now. it makes me happy. but without that person i wouldn't know how to love again. so to you i am thankful for you and what you have done for me. then there are those who were my first true love. and to you i am sorry. what we had was special and i dont want to take what we had and not respect it but we are both better off now. i am happy for you.

i am happy now. i have found someone who i can spend the rest of my life and be very happy. how times have changed for me these past couple of years. all i can say is that im glad that i didnt chose the road that i was meant for. im glad that i chose the road that i knew would lead me to some where i had no idea would happen for me. i took the hard road less traveled and i am forever grateful. i am loved by a wonderful girl who i love with all my heart. i am happy again.