read with an open mind

so for the past 26 years i have been a part of something that i had no idea what it truly was. i guess what I'm trying to say is that i been a part of a religion that i didn't believe in for myself. i had those moments that most people would say changed their lives. you know those feelings where you just want to jump up and shout "i believe". but over the past couple of months i have had this debate in my head about what i believe in. for most of my life i have been told what to believe in. the choices have always been made for me. in a way my social life was always picked for me. but now i don't think that i want to live my life according to my religion. i want to live my life for me. i guess in a way this is very selfish of me to say but i think that before i take the next big step in my life i need to figure out who i am. i need to figure out if being a Mormon is what i want to be.

so first off I'm going to say that I'm not perfect. i am no where near perfect. i have my faults like most people do. i sin just like you do. and if your reading this and your thinking that you don't sin your lying to yourself. i have done things that I'm not to proud of. and the reasons that i am talking about this is because this is something i have been dealing with for most of my life. all of my life i have been judged on the things that i do. i grew up hearing that when i die i will be judged for the things that i do here on earth. but one thing that the church forgot to tell me is that while i am on this earth i will be judged by those that i should call my friends. that in my life i will be judged for every mistake that i make. and every mistake that you make. we are all judged. every person that lives is judged by the person next to us. when you walk in to a room there are a good amount of people that will look at you and think about how you look, what your wearing, and how you hold yourself. and you know that's ok. its how we are. as humans we tend to think that we are better then the person that is next to us. whether they are rich or poor homeless or live in a huge house. we look down at people like its in our nature to do so. but honestly people what gives us the right to do this. what gives us the right to think like this. and if you are one of those people who will say that they never judge then you are one of those who more then likely judge more then any one else reading this right now. and really need to take at look at themselves some more. now i know that there are also those who think that the only reason that i am thinking like this is because i must be doing something wrong. that is the Mormon mentality for those that don't know that. if you think that everyone is looking at you and judging you when you walk into church it must mean that your sinning. yes that is how we (Mormons) think. now I'm not trying to sit here and bash Mormons. honestly in my heart i do think that it is the only true church on earth today. i do believe that we do have a true and living prophet on this earth today. what i am doing is just venting and telling you what i have seen. i have been a Mormon all of my life. and i think that it is never told what it is really like for a Mormon young person to grow up in the church. and i know there are those who have also grown up in the church and don't agree with what i have to say. and you know what thats cool. more power to you. i just have a huge problem with those who try to be fake. they go and serve a faithful mission come home become someone of some authority and then bam they tell you that you NEED to go back to church. you NEED to be doing whats right. hey!!!! ya you. i remember when you used to call me when you were younger and brother was on a dang mission and you would ask me for liquor. ya your no different from all of us. just cause you did that doesn't mean anything. more power to you for doing that. here is a dang cookie. geeze!!

now I'm not saying that all Mormons are like this there are many who i know don't judge like a lot of Mormons do. i have met some amazing Mormons that i know are some of the best people that i have ever met. my friend m. ferry is the sweetest person that i have ever met in my life. i have heard that she can be a little judgmental from time to time. but you know i don't care. she will forever be in my eyes the nicest person in the world. and that can be said for her family. r. wright is the only person that i know that can go to for advice and he will give me the honest truth on what he thinks i should do next in my life. and that goes for the whole wright family. i wish one day that i can have a family like that. t. caldwell he is someone that i know i can trust with my own life. when i was down and didn't know where to turn he came and showed me who i really was again and gave me the confidence to be me. and cause of that i now have Malinda. now the list can go out about how great Mormons can be. but what really hurts is when your "friends" tend to judge you. i had a roommate who on the outside seemed like a really nice guy but honestly he is the most judgemental person that i have ever met. he walks around and he would act like your friend and then turn around and talk bad about you. believe me i have seen him do it so many times to so many people. its really sad.

in my life i have had the chance to meet people from all over the u.s and the world. i have talk to others about where they are from and what they are doing in life. and something that i have come to realize is that no matter how old or young you are. we (people) all want acceptance. we all want to be a part of something that means a lot to us. so we do what we have to do to feel like we are like those we want to be. but why do we do this. why do we put ourselves through so much bs just to be a part of the group. i never understood why i did that. now if you know me you would know that i can walk into any situation and take control of things no problem. but i did what most people do. i conformed to what i thought people wanted me to. i became something that im not. i lost myself in this.. thing. this thing that everyone wanted to be. i don't know why i did but i did. and now its time for me to walk out. now its time for me to find out who i am. i just want to be me. i don't want to feel like i am judged for being in love. be judged for not doing what you think is right. i honestly do wish that one day i can be able to walk into a Mormon church and not see how fake the people inside are. it just doesn't look good on you.

so what im going to be looking for on my journey to happiness is going to be just that. happiness i want to find where my heart will lead me. i want to find where i can find my own piece with god. i don't know where I'm going to find this. i don't know where am going to find right place. maybe it will lead me back to the Mormon church. i don't know. but something that i know in my heart is that i do have a testimony of the Mormon church and all its beliefs. i want it in my life more then anything in this world. i know that if i want to spend the rest of eternity with Malinda it will be by getting married in the Mormon temple. but how can i be some where were everyone is constantly judging the person next to them. why cant you just honestly like that person for being them. why cant you just friend someone cause you want to. and not cause its your calling to meet them. one day i will find a place where i will see this. one day i will be happy