Are we still friends???

So things have been pretty crazy these past couple of months. I have done so much that I don’t even know where to start. I know that I have posted other blogs in the past weeks but I think this one is really what I have been thinking. So I have this friend that I really really enjoy spending time with. She has made me happy in ways that I haven’t felt in a very long time. And it’s a good thing that I have her in my life. I know that there are some of my friends that don’t believe this. But its true. I only wish that everyone could experience what I have right now. She is pretty much amazing. She is one of those people who is always judged for things that happened in the past. Its funny that we’re mormon and we teach that we shouldn’t judge others for what they have done. But here we are judging. Its kinda sad honestly to see this happen so much. I try my hardest not to judge others and I feel that I do a pretty good job at it. But to watch her go everyday being judged by others who don’t even know her really breaks my heart. But I guess there is nothing that I can really do. All I can do is do what I have been doing. That is to be there for her to make her smile everyday. I don’t know where this relationship is going to go right now. But I do know that I love where it is right now.

So another thing that I wanted to kinda talk about here seeing this is where I go to vent. You know I love talking to the world. I don’t really understand some friendships. Like the ones where you think you are best friends with someone and that they are truly one of the best friendships that you have ever had and you would absolutely do anything for and come to find out that It was nothing like that. I have recently had this happen. But the thing is that I don’t really know what I did wrong. What is so bad with wanting to see one of your best friends. Just for the simple fact of spending time with someone that makes you happy. I know that this could get me in trouble but hey its ok. I’ve done worse. Another thing is what do you say when that person tells you that you are the highest maintenance friend that they have. Well I think that is what they said. I don’t really remember seeing that I was kinda pissed when I saw that. But seriously come on. That is the dumbest thing that I have heard in a very long time. For years I have been there for you when ever you needed me. I have dropped everything just so that I can be a true friend. Wow that’s really all I can say. I guess I’m not cool enough to be part of your cool club. But its ok . Maybe I don’t need to be a “cool kid”. and I hope you know who you are. You probably don’t even read this cause your too cool to spend time reading something as stupid as this. But oh well I’m still going to say what’s on my mind. It just really hurts because I thought the world of you. I would always tell anyone who asked that you were the most amazing person that I have ever met in my life. And you know what you still are pretty much up there. I wont ever doubt how amazing you can be. But life is taking us down two different paths. It really sucks that this is how I have to share my thoughts with you. But seeing that this is my letter to the world and you live in the world I thought it would be appropriate to do it here.

There is something else that I wanted to say here. Its an open apology to anyone that I have hurt in the past couple of weeks. With all that is going on in my life I have let something’s kinda slip and I have forgotten what I have promised. I don’t know where my life is going to go from here. I just know that I have a lot to work on. Its hard when you see yourself start to fail at things that you should be strong with. But you just let things happen. You tell yourself that its ok. That no matter what you can get through this. But this time I couldn’t. I cant do this alone. I keep putting myself into a hole that I cant get out of. I feel that I am stuck . I am stuck with what I have and that its going to be hard getting out of this. My personal life is in a way falling apart trying to be happy. I see in myself someone that I haven’t seen in a long time. The guy from my past. The guy that I had to let go of it I wanted to live the life that I want to live. And I don’t know how to get rid of him. He is making me do things that I know I shouldn’t. he is a procrastinating little punk that doesn’t get anything done. And you would think that with how my life is going with some aspects of it I would be happy. But I’m not. I need something else. I need to find out what makes me happy. I know that she makes me happy, I know that what I believe in makes me happy. And I know that food makes me happy. But what is it that I’m missing. What is that missing link that I cant seem to find. I hope I find it soon. Or else I’m totally screwed.

One last thing that I think you (the world) need to know. Is that I don’t ever talk about what I write here in person. That is why I put it on here If you think that I am talking about you. Well… more then likely I am. Sucks to be you.