i cant believe its here again

well another year has just gone by for me. its crazy when ever my birthday comes around. i never really know how to take it. and this is another one of those days. as i sit and type this post my mind kinda goes back in time and i think of how it was when i was a kid. how i couldn't wait for my birthday to come cause it meant things like a birthday party and presents and you know things like that. i now i kinda see it as another day that reminds me that I'm getting older. and that's not cool. to me that older i get the more i feel like I'm not doing what i know i should be doing. and that feeling sucks. and i know that i cant be what i want till i find what I'm looking for in so many ways. and i know i know i should just go and chase my dreams with all i have. i know that. I'm not dumb but there is more then what people know about me that is holding me back. things that i don't discuss with anyone. and no you don't know what it is. whoever is reading this. you don't know me as well as you think you do. not even my dearest friends know this. i guess its why they are my dreams and no one elses. no one else can understand what it is i want in life. freak I'm still trying to figure things out. its taken me 25 years to get to this point. but i feel like I'm doing ok with myself. I'm still missing that one aspect of my life that will i guess in a way complete what I'm looking for. but you know i cant really rush into things. there is so much that i need to learn about myself before i can go there. there are times when i think i have met someone that has the potential to be that for me. but when i take a step back and look at it i see what it truly is. and its not what i want. i learn that we have two separate dreams. or the same dream but just two different endings. and that part is the part that hurts the most. i guess this year I'm going to have to take it one day at a time. i don't really expect to find what I'm looking for this year. i do hope that i do find someone that could be that one person. i never know. there are so many things that i do wish to accomplish at this age. and i know that i can do it. the passion is there, the heart, the motivation. i kinda want to know whats going to happen but i know that i cant. its no fun to know whats going to happen to you in life. i also want to keep this blog up. i do it so that my friends can have a good understanding of who i am. its the one place where my mind is always going to be. the one place where i will tell it how i see it. i will speak my mind to whoever wants to read this. it is my blog. you chose to read it. i didn't force you. well here i go to live through another birthday. there are a couple of things that i do want. and i do hope that i get to do/see them. but i know that it wont be possible. and that's ok. i just hope that you do know i wish you were here. and no you don't know who I'm talking about so don't try and figure it out. sorry :)